Friday, December 21, 2007

I feel so messed up. I don't know how and why but all I know is I'm feeling it somehow... I hate myself the most above all else. Even this I don't know why. Being indecisive is one of them. Why I hate it you may ask? Well, if I can't decide on certain chooses I'm at loose ends and also a sittin duck in some cases. Make a wrong decide and I'll regret it forever. Not doing anything will also result in the emotion of regret too. This will make me a whole lot worse... not doing or proceeding on will make me feel bad. I don't know the outcome and I fear outcomes of an action that I had made. All this will only result in me being indecisive again... How I wish I don't need to make choices in my life...

I hate my mind too... Its not helping me to be better... Only making me worse. Influencing me, changing me, seeing memories that were meant to be buried deep in the heart or burned away by the raging inferno of..., images of false future and others. At times I like to fantasize, a fantasy of having things going the way I it to be but I have to face reality... Some times the roads in life are harsh and painful and one must never really expect things to be running smoothly or good things to happen often. Fun and happy moments doesn't last long for me. I'm not sure bout other people. I admit that I envy people often. Envying them in a good manner. Not jealousy but just envy. Something like I want to have what others have. Not electronic gadgets whatsoever. Really. This items have no meaning whatsoever to me.

Question the heart when one needs to find and make a hard decision... thats what someone dear to me who had long past away said to me several times before... at times I do wish she was still living, sitting beside me. But this is wrong. One mustn't be selfish. One must learn to let go... someone once said this to me this too... The answer that my heart replies at certain times are rather complicated and hard to comply. At times, the answer is what I wanted to hear and see but proceeding with it is whole different story... For example, in my case there are two types of cosplay I can choose from. First is as Visual Kei or as an anime character of my favorite. Lets say my heart chooses Visual Kei, thats fine but the next problem is where to get the costume, am I daring enough and so on and so forth.

My eyes? I'm okay with them though I can see what many can't but I'm alright with it. Its already part of me so what can I do and say? Just accept it with closed arms. There's no use complaining bout it. It will do nothing except tiring oneself. I've spent some time searching for other people with the same curse/ability of mine and much better ones around the world and yes I did managed to find several. Some are in Gaiaonline. Now, don't go around thinking this is a just crap and people in Gaiaonline are just telling lies. If you think so, you're wrong. Such matters are not to be taken lightly and we speak from our past experience. The people whom I talk to for this topic consist of mainly adults so yea... they're trustable sort. Its nice to know that there are others out there in the world like me.

What sort of Visual Kei style am I going for? The goth style and a little bit of cuteness in it. A mix of Angura Kei and Oshare Kei will do. Once in a while Angura Kei then maybe after some time try out Oshare Kei. Accessories? Goth clothes, wrist bands, rings, piercings, face masks and others. The piercing part will be a problem... I can't get that part done. Its a nono for my whole family members and same applies to my friends... But I'm afraid I may get one done in the distant future but I don't think thats possible. Number 1: I don't know where to get it done. Number 2: I cared for someone thus I will never do it. Number 3: Is it painful?

To tell you the truth... I'm beginning to lose faith. Not sure if others understand with what I'm sayin here. I wish someone could just give me a hard punch and a tight slap to bring me back to my senses. Haish... What the hell is wrong with me!!! I miss my friends. I missed the old times. I miss my brothers. I miss my sisters. I want to meet them. I want to chat with them. I want to joke and play with them.

Have you regretted not doing something? I have and still regretting it. Have you regretted doing a stupid mistake? I have and still do. Have you been given a second chance? I don't know... it seems like a second chance but what if I blow this one off also? Be it not doing anything or doing something... Whats the diff... Alamak!! Wrong song at the right time. Must change must change!! *Switch* *switch*

23... what does this number means to me. You still remember that time where I said to split them into two different numbers? Well, here it goes. 2 means two hearts while the 3 means... three people or three different path. The rest is up for you to beat around the bush... Ah hah!! I see a bush!! *smack* *smack* LAME!!! Hehehe...

Is there something that you ever really wanted to possess or try to have a feel of it at least once? Honestly, yes. I do and I finally know what I really need. To be cared, caressed by someone, to be beside the one I really love, holding her in my arms, looking at her beautiful, angelic face and her heavenly wings that awes any who sees her. The love from someone is what I'm looking for and longing for. I had seek to find whose name is carved in my heart but after knowing, I chose to make someone's else life happy. I believe that one day someone more capable with appear in her life that is able to bring smile and joy to her heart... Thats why I let things be as it is. I rather see others happy even if I have to sacrifice or give in in order to help each individual achieve their happiness. The last thing that I ever want her to know is that I still love her deeply but the best is keeping it to one's heart. Ah crap... I'm tearing again... Ehehehe... looks like it flows on its own will... I can't seem to hold it nor stop it. Never mind. Let it flow... just let it flow.

If someone truly loves you and still does even after being played around with or after you broke his/her heart... his/her love for you is special and shouldn't be taken for granted. Cherish that person for this person doesn't come easy. They can be said a rare breed to some. Their love for you isn't a joke nor are they playing around with your heart. They mean it when they say it. This everlasting love is able to make people happy, warm their hearts, understand the meaning of romance and relationship. Thats what I've been told by others whom I've met along the road of friendship and life. I finally managed to get that off my chest... now I feel much better. No more messed up feelings. Sorry if I had caused any unnecessary discomfort or unpleasant time. I'm sorry.

Oh! Look at the time! Its 4.55AM already! Crap!! I need my sleep. guess this is a temporary farewell my friend! See ya later! Sorry for any trouble I may have cause and thanks for taking your time to listen to me. I feel kinda dumb... -_-' hehehe jaana and chao!!

posted at 12:49 AM