Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy belated christmas!! Hehe... long time long time... wad thing long time? Its been a long time since my last visit. Yesterday I had a lot of fun and moments of grief. I had fun because I was able to meet almost the complete group once again and had fun together includin with baby of course but in did somethin silly that resulted in somethin utterly stupid and most probably unforgivable for a very long time in my life.

This happenextremely too quickly that I can't really see wad I was doin and hear properly wad I was sayin but this does not mean wad I did will be easily forgiven. I was walkin with all of them when suddenly I tripped on a small platform of the cement floor and lost balance and straight after I stepped on my only foot that I was relyin on as a support and unable to move but to fall on my knees and scrapped a layer of skin on my left arm. The damage wasn't big but....wad I'm goin to say next will make all of the readers feel like beatin me up or labellin me a jerk and I don't blame them. Until now I still can't forgive myself for this act of indecency until my baby forgives me with her heart.

After I tripped she came to assist me, to check whether was I alright or bleedin which, thankfully, I wasn't. BUT!! I accidentally brush her hands off me... I BRUSHED AWAY AN ANGELIC TOUCH OF CONCERN AWAY!!! I didn't notice I did that and thats the part that I really cannot afford to forgive a jerk like me easily... further more she asked was I okay and I told her she shouldn't worry so much with the reason because its only a small scratch and she shouldn't worry herself sick to that extend but...but... she got the wrong idea...wads more I added because I'm already old enough and really...this whole part of me sayin I'm old enough makes me really wants to handle a kife a stab it through my arms or stomach right this instant because of the amount of hurt she going through at that point of time and maybe even now!! I'm really an asshole...forgive me for such crude word but really...I deserve such words for wad I did... Wads more she mentioned that I've never hurt her so much until yesterday which makes me hate myself so much... it's just unforgivable....

I wish I could ask her to forgive me but first I have to learn to forgive myself but I can't unless that person allows me too...I really love my angel of the heart. Really I do and intend on lovin only her for the rest of my life and noone else because I really love her the most and only her. She's the only one in my heart. I wish I could heal her wounds even if I have to go on my knees to do that for wad matters most is her happiness and I just don't want to hurt her but I just keep on doin it sometimes...I'm no longer can be a jerk. I have to admit that because now, after wad I've done yesterday...I'm officially an asshole, a bastard too... I'm sorry once again for such words but I can't seem to find the right word for myself now...

I really love her and I will always want her no matter what happens. I don't ever want to lose or do I ever want to part from her. She's my heart, my love, my life, my world and my soul. Without her my life is nothing and I mean it seriously. Losing her means I would have lost the only love of my heart coz for a very long time, I've only like, love and love the most is her and only her. No other can fill in her place when she's gone bcoz I've tried that once and I made a grave mistake and I realised that through the hard way.



Baby, I love you the most and I will always love you. No other will be able to compare to you nor replace you. I cherish you with my life, I love you with my heart and I caress you with my affection of my love and soul. You are the only one I love and I'm most fortunate amongst the luckiest, to have you to care and love me. but most importantly, having you as my girlfriend. I am really fortunate to have you by my side baby. I really do.

~I LOVE YOU~

posted at 1:36 AM


Monday, December 8, 2008

Sometimes I wonder to myself... Is love alone really enough? That's a question I've been askin myself lately. Unknown to myself, I'm worried bout somethin. I feel it in my heart but I don't even know, let alone understand, what I'm worried bout. The more I try to search, the more confuse I become. So I guess I leave that part alone for now. I should just concentrate on the question at hand though I don't really have the answer now. All I do know is that love is important in certain aspect of life. It is important in relation to love but is it enough to sustain somethin that is complicatin?

In theory that I discover through experience, trust is need to sustain a relationship even in friendship and family. But for every human hearts, there is always a corner of darkness that lurks in every heart. Envy is one of them. Sometimes when we try our very best to contain it, it just gets stronger but it doesn't last forever. In my case, a simple kiss on the cheek is enough to cure it.

Trust is also a problem that times. For example, hearin somethin in an instant can cause an immediate reaction. Be it of anger, envy or negative thoughts, not to mention joy and happiness dependin on the subject that is being heard. Sight can also affect trust. As a sayin goes, "seein is believin" and "actions speak louder than words". I do admit that I tend to act on impulse. Meanin that I tend to sometimes think negatively or react in an angry manner straight. But for the above problems, I'm tryin my best to get better and I admit once again that it isn't easy and I'm still tryin. For I do not want to hurt the person I love most with my stupid act of harshness.

Before I end, I would like to add somethin. My mom once told me that if I really want to love someone of a different race, I have to be able to accept their culture, ideas and perspective. If Im not able to, it's better to stop and pack up. Now I understand what she meant by that. It was hard for me but I'm startin to be able to accept her views of some of her curiousity of tryin somethin new. I shall not stop her and I'm actually willing to try it with her. Explorin somethin new that I've never done before and thought of it in such negativity but now I'm tryin to be more open to other culture and venture on. If I don't like it, I'll stop but not avoid it and stop her if she finds it suitable for her. Baby, I'm sorry for stoppin you from doing somethin that you wish to try. If you still want to, I don't mind accompanyin you. I'm willin too. I shouldthank my heart for understandin me that lovin someone requires more than just sacrifices. You'll also have to be open to some stuff and not be too preventing. If you love somene, you have to mature in both mind and soul. Not only in the heart. For that, I love you little angel.

Oh by the way, those things that I mention above is not meant to hurt nor target anyone. It's just somethin I feel like typin bout and now I feel better. Thanks for listenin my friend. Eh? I know this may sound weird but I'm sensing her. Somehow my hand smells like her. Awww....now I miss her more....I better stop sniffin my hand before my mom labels me a lunatic for smellin my own hands for no apparent reason. Thank you.

As a side note, I will always love you and the most. I'm tryin my best to better myelf for you and myself. Though the only thing that I know and best at is lovin you, I'll keep at it and do my best to make you happy. If there's anythin you wish me to change or improve on, please do tell me.

posted at 2:27 PM


Monday, December 1, 2008

Hi.... I'm back.. Ican't seem to get some sleep. I wish I could sms her or even call her to hear her sweet voice an apologies but.... I rather not...since she requested to be left alone for a little while... I just wanna said that, if you ever read this later on in the middle of the night, I will still be awake. Partly guilty, partly afraid, partly missin u...I'll try to get some sleep but I can't gurantee that I will be able to. I'll be switchin the comp now but I will still be awake. If anythin, I'm always near u. So just calll or sms if u want...I'll stop here. Time to grab the tissue...

posted at 12:33 AM


I hav just done it again...amazin isn't it as to how stupid I can be. I made her cry again. Though she said a reason that somewhat wants to assure me that it isn't my fault...but somethin within me says that I am at fault and thus I can I'm a jek yet again... why can't I just do thigs rite for once...why can't I make her happy...I'm sorry baby... I didn't mean to...I'm sorry...How I wish you were really, my friend. Why? So that I can ask you to beat me inside out until I said stop or I get it clear into my mind... I'm filled with regrets now... I'm sry...

posted at 12:02 AM