Yosh Zan! Hehe.. I'm ok now. THat image no longer haunts me in my free time. I just pray that that person's soul will be at peace somewhere. With that aside, I can get back on track and focus ahead.
Remember what I said yesterday? I said that I have a lot to tell you about and I couldn't speak properly due to yesterday's incident? Yup, I'm goin to tell you all that I can right now! Hehe.. I'm back to normal now. No longer that emo and downed Naz anymore. Once in a while being sad got la but depressed is no longer. After I was lectured by someone, seeing that Supra for the 2nd time and reflecting, I finally feel lighter. So I can say that the usual Naz is back!! Yea!! Nothin has change so yea, worry not ^3^v
I want to apologise to God for behavin in such manner during my depression period. Being ignorant and others. But yet He is so patient with someone like me. Thank you~ But the whole reason why I was so depressed was not because of someone's fault but actually it's bout me creatin this "barrier" of lies and try to run away from reality and from what I really want and hope for. What do I mean by runnin away from reality? It's not the part that I am now single. Nono, coz that part I hav acceptted it a long time ago bcoz it is partly my fault. But what I mean by runnin away from reality is actually runnin away from what my heart says and fillin it up with lies like I am heartless, being anti-social is great, ignore those that are around me, ignorin my heart will make me more happy and those sort of stuffs but after several events that orbits around me, I finally woke up.
Runnin away doesn't help for me. It only makes it worst. It made me more depressed, angry, agitated, upset with life, with God, anti-social, does not care for one bit about anyone and so on. But after realisin this irrelevent mistakes that I made on purpose and liftin that layer of "barricade" that I hav been hidin behind, I'm feeling far better and happy now! Serious! I'm not kidding! Hehe~ The reflectin part? Well, it's just some backtrack on those things that I do to myself to make me so depress. Yup. After talkin to one of my bros, I came to realise this question that I hav been askin myself for quite some time. Why did got gave me this heart of mine that can love someone unconditionally? Is there a reason for it?
My previous answer to this particulaer question was that He had nothin better to do or just that He wanted to touture me in a certain way. But now, with a clear mind annd heart, I'm goin to change my answer. My answer is this, He is never evil and goodness is what He sees and gives to those that believe and guides those that are lost in many ways. For everythin that He creates, there is always somethin good in it. So what's good bout havin such a heart? Well, my answer for that is this. Not many are able to hav such a heart. He gave me this heart to me to show to others what love and care really means to one person. Maybe He is tryin to show that He loves all like how I love her? Hehe.. that's what I think and I am greatful to Him for this heart.
And I get this feeling that what I did in the past was not enough, as in, somethin is missin. A loving heart that knows how to love and show love and care may not be enough and maybe due to that, He made me walk this path to fulfil those that are missing. Just a maybe. I got this idea after speakin to one my bros, liking and loving someone isn't just bout having feelings and caring. I realise that watchin over someone isn't enough too. Being there for them is important. But for the time being, I want to be that person that will be there for any thing and for any reason. Like how I was usually before I turned emo. Hehe.. I want to show my appreciation to eeryone that I care for. But I kinda scare some people due to one sms that I send to some. They thought I was being random or tryin to suicide or somethin but I was only tryin to thank them instead. Hehe.. but everythin was alright after I explained to them and I'm sorry to those that did not receive bcoz of the way the others got confused, I dare not send it.
So yea, to summarise everythin, I am now doing fine and I am back to normal. Hehe~ Thanks everyone! So what am I goin to do now after acceptin what my heart says to me? Well... It's a secret!! It makes things more fun with suspense rite? OOOO come on Zan, play around with me a bit. But yea, it's a secret~ Is there anyone in my mind? That's a secret too!! I can't tell you everythin rite Zan? Keipo sia you! Hehe.. just kiddin! Don't merajuk la~ A last note before I end here for today, I told this to Kel over dinner and his reply to me was this,
"FINALLY, that is what I wanted to hear from you and it's good to see you are ok now. I thought I need to wait longer to hear that from you. So no more dumb stuff". Can't forget that face of his when he heard the whole thing. His face was like glowin with s bright smile. Then he indirectly ask me what am I goin to do next and my reply was, "that oe you hav to wait until I hav the courage. It's my first time mah!" That's all for now. See ya all!!
