Friday, November 27, 2009

Sorry for the long absence~ Hehehe.. I was busy with my school project and gamin too. Been playin this first-person shooter called Borderlands with Lalah and Yat. A nice game to play with your friends but not really that great to play alone coz in later part of the game, things will get tougher ^^ Now I'm waitin for Hamster to join in the fun too. But need him to be free from his studies first. Hehe.. Well, I can't really say much coz my head kinda hurts a little for the time being. Will be seein you around.

posted at 1:54 AM


Monday, November 16, 2009

Yosh Zanzan... I guess you can hear it almost the same song over and over again for this whole entire day huh? Hehe... I guess... the song, "Longing....togireta melody" by X Japan suits me right now in this moment... "Sing without you"... hehehe... I guess this song kinda suits me in many ways. Gosh, for how long has it been since I last been this.. sad... Ahaha... I feel like I just lost somethin very close to my heart... When I'm gone, I want this song to be played during my death ceremony. Hehe.. But I bet people will call me dumb for doing this and I don't think anyone will tear for me though. God... why am I thinkin this way...


*Sigh*... I am finally able to tell Kelvin. Now I am left with tellin Hamster and Cr but this will take alot of courage for me to do so... Somethin so small can at times be so difficult to say. Day and night, everyday without fail, I try to look for a reason to continue on living but it just seems not enough to me... At times when I look back into the past, what I realise is that even though I am a joker who loves to bring a smile to everyone that I meet and help those in need, I am not really able to smile properly. Weird isn't it? A joker who smiles often but not really sincere... Is that considered as lyin also?


It's so hard to keep up being strong and all that. I'm becomin tired of pretendin that I am alright for all this few months... I am not ok with the breakup... I am not recovin at all like what everybody said to me... I can't seem to let go... why? why? Tell me why zanzan!? Why is it so difficult for me whereas it's so easy for the other party to move on?! Why... this...I won't cry! I promise! I won't! I'm not cryin.. it's just probably the dust that's irritatin my eye right now... I long and yearn for her but it just seem so impossible...why can't I let go... it's been months now and I thought I'll be able to but... please... ease my pain...


First, it was my heart that aches and pains due to immense sadness within me and now this stupid condition that I have that aches my brain for time to time at random... Is this your way of easing my pain? If it is, 5 years seems too long for this little idiot... shall I make it quicker? Why am I ignorin the pleas of my closes friends that I consider as my family, my brothers... Why am I so selfish to my heart and mind... why am I so stubborn?! Why... WHY?!! I want to let it all out but it will just come back to me the next moment I am alright again... I never pretend to joke or make someone smile... I am honest and sincere with that for I love to bring happiness to people but, why is it so hard for me to realise my own joy? Am I too dependent? I want to live but I am afraid of what lies in the future... It scares me. It's dark and empty. Just like an empty void dimension...


Ahahaha... what am I sayin... eh, gomen gomen. Times are hard for me currently. Especially when you have to many things in your mind... Oh, I guess it's high time I tell you what my condition really is huh? Alright alright... I'm havin a brain tumour... Don't be too upset Zanzan... Smile for me can? I'll be alright. Don't worry. Gosh... I can't even type properly now. My hands are shiverin... Am I afraid? Ahahaha... Well... I guess I am a little. I guess I should apologise to Kai for not tellin him the whole story. I am left with informin Hamster and Cr bout this... hehe..can I remove it? Well... from what the doctor said, it is possible if I go for it soon but, I need some time to think bout it... why? It's hard for me to say. YOu can call me stupid for sayin this but I am afraid of what lies ahead of me in the near future Zanzan... I don't want to continue a life of what seem to be an eternal sadness and grief...


But don't worry, I'm still considerin it. Yat, lalah, Kel, Kai, Wani, CK, Es, Nisha, Crystal and many others are here watin for me... to them, I am important to them too... thanks guys. I grateful for everythin but... I am not yet that happy with all this things thats goin on. It all came as a shock to me. Everythin happened damn way too fast for me to grasp... Now, I'm left with informin Hamster and Cr... dependin on how Hamster reacts to it, I think he will be ok with it but a little shock here and there but Cr... I don't think I can take it if she tears. Whatsmore, she's currently havin her own love life now. I don't think an idiot like me would even bother her at all so I guess I'll just keep quiet for now.... If any of you guys readin this, please, don't let this afect you guys so much. Focus on your studies, life and family more alright? I'll be fine. With you guys around, I should be ok. Just that I am no longer physically strong like how I use to be. Hehe..And to you Kai, resume on your studies alright? Persue on what you dream of. Don't worry bout me, like I once said before, "Idiots are one of the toughest creature on Earth. Falls of from a high height and never die (in cartoons) and no matter how many times they get bullied, they'll always come back ^^". Hehehehe...


There there... such emotional atmosphere man. Maybe I shud try to be more cheerful in my next post? Hehe.. who am I kiddin huh? Alright! Time for me to get some sleep or else someone will kill me if I don't sleep now. It' 3.59AM now~ Goodnight Zanzan~ Remember, don't worry too much uh~ Be happy and smile for me..

posted at 2:42 AM


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Gah... I'm damn pissed rite now... since mornin till now I have tried to contact some people but none seem to be bothered... some never reply, some busy while some totally go MIA. What's this man.... I guess noone can be like me huh? Always there for everyone no matter what happen. Hehe... I feel like day by day, my stress level keeps on increasin like mad.... From class to life to health and back to school, life n health.... What the hell man... give me a damn freakin break please... I feel so alone right now. I need someone to talk to but none can... don't believe, go check my msn, the whole list is literally in Busy status n some totally won't reply me one. Don't know what the hell they are doin back there....

Music seems to be the only thing that I can turn to to cool myself off but even that can irritate people coz I have to sing my heart to let this emotions out... And seriously, I can be damn loud plus my voice sucks... I can't sing but I can speak. It seems my voice is only meant to calm people down or ease them. Hehehe... *sigh*... I've bothered you long enuf Zanzan. I'll chao first before I start babblin again.

posted at 10:44 PM


Monday, November 9, 2009

Day by day I seem to grow weaker physically. I think it's just me for being away from training for a very long or perhaps it's due to my condition? But, no matter what the cause is, it really starting to annoy me cause I can't perform well in school and daily work and that worries some people already like Es and Kai. Haish... Am I a burden? Hehe!! Sorry sorry. Didn't mean to ask such a thing to you. Gomen gomen!!

I wonder how long more can I tahan man.... it pains like hell... I feel like the medication isn't really helpin but... hehee... for that part you can scold me la huh coz I purposely skip them from time to time coz of school and all. I don't want the rest of my classmates to see or know bout my health so yea but don't worry, I'll inform my old pals when the time is rite or maybe perhaps you can help me to tell them? Hehehe... Just kiddin. Well, I'll stop here for now. Just drop by to tell you of my painful headache and, I seriously hungry again.... Gah... Goodnight! Ah damn.... I got some aroma spray particles in my eyes. Hehehe!! Damn fan... Good night!

posted at 11:39 PM


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Can't seem to sleep right now.... I've been thinkin bout all sort of things lately... *sigh* Guess that's what drives me not to sleep. My sis on the other hand isn't sleepin yet coz she's chattin with her Sister. Currently my head doesn't hurt coz I just took my medication... geez, for how long must I be dependant on this thing... and it taste seriously bitter... *sticks out tongue* That's why I skip a few times a week. Hehe... guess if someone knew bout this I might be scolded. Oh well! Hehe... I think later on in the mornin I'll go see a doctor again as what my mum instruct but I should be back home by 11++AM. I wonder if anyone is free to meet up with me later on too.... Let me guess, hmm... I don't really know. I'm thinkin of someone... I want to meet up with them but... I'm afraid that the pain may just appear again at the wrong time then I'll worry them. gah... So confusin. Eh... I think I'll stop here Zanzan. Feel like throwin up again... sorry. Take care n goodnight~

posted at 3:27 AM


Yosh!! Finally, all my stuffs has been moved here, to my new house but we still have not completely clear up the boxes. There's just too many to clear in one go. Hehe... Early in the mornin my mum disturbed me alreadie. This was what she said in the mornin when I was gettin readie to leave my house to go to my aunt's house at West Coast.

"You know, I bump onto our neighbour, the one near the staircase there. She's very polite and friendly. And she seems to be your dear brother's type. Almost same age too. Guess soon we will a new family member already." That's what my mum "whispered" to my sis in a loud voice in the kitchen. Hehehe... mum mum... seriously, she has nothin better to do sia. Disturbin is one of her home hobbies. I nearly fainted at home due to exhaustion. Hehehe.. Can say overwork la huh.

I was helpin my Uncles and Dad carryin things from one house to lorry and the next house and back to the lorry and finally to my house but when I was carryin the remainin half back to my home, I realise that I can't carry anymore and I really need a rest but seein how hard my Dad and Uncles carried the remainin boxes and furnitures, I decided to ignore my fatigue and ease their work load. With like 15 more items to go, I sat flat on the floor at my home to rest for a while and my mum realise how exhausted I was so she kept me away from helpin them. I didn't really like the idea of havin my mum, sis and my aunt to help carry the heavy stuffs so I just got back up with my sister's help and continued on while my mum blocked the gate for a short while and moved away after seein my determined expression.

The heaviest object that I carried alone was around 70+kg. It's my home washing machine and now, my back hurts like hell. Not to mention my brain...after the whole moving thingy, I txted a few people tellin them that I am done wif the work and plannin to rest for a while but the actual truth was that I passed out in my sis room, on the floor. I didn't faint for that long. Only for like, less than an hour or so? Hehe... Don't worry, I'm a very persistant person who likes to help. My mum spoke to my Dad a while ago, tellin him that she notice that I am no longer as capable as I once was. I get tired easily and that I kept on havin frequent headaches. I guess my mum will know the whole story soon.... I just hope she will be ok once she finds it out from me or my Dad but we both are not plannin to tell her just yet coz I told my Dad that I want everyone to be happy and comfortable with this house first.

Once they are comfortable then I'll inform my mum and sis of my real condition. The other reason why I don't wanna say it to anyone just yet is because I feel that I will be a burden to them after they came to know it. Hehe... I'll keep on goin for appointments without my mum knowing it first. Right now, the most important thing to me is to make everyone that I know happy and smile from the bottom of their heart but.... it's difficlut for me to keep up with that promise coz I am no longer that strong plus at times, I give them those looks that makes them notice that I am not feeling well. I just hope I'll be alright on the day that the old group is goin to celebrate our birthdays together and I hope that everyone will be able to make it coz it's a once a year thing and like what Lalah said, "for those that can't make it for any invalid reasons, that just shows just how much that person really feels for us."

Talk bout birthdays... like what I once mentioned to Kai, I wish that my birthday will just not come coz I'm afraid of it.... to me, it's like... one year less for me or one year as been strike off... Hehe... Gomen gomen!!! Sorry if I am scarin u Zanzan. I didn't mean to scare u. I'll stop here for now.

posted at 12:25 AM


Thursday, November 5, 2009

HHHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZZZZAAAAANNNNZZZZZAAAAANNNN!!!! I'm finally back online again and this time it will be permanent too!! Good rite? Hehehehehe.... Gosh.... There's quite a number that I wanna tell you but I doubt that I am able to say i all ^^. So I shall start with the positive ones first! Hehe... now, where shall I begin first? Let's see... I'm now officially living in my new house. It's comfortable and cozy too. I'm waitin for Saturday to come so that this house will be filled with my old furnitures so it will look complete ^^v

Hehe.. next, I get this feeling that my house will soon become like a hightech home. Well, my dad seems to want to make everythin that has to do with computer stuff to go wireless. Cool huh? But there are a few disadvantages here and there but he knows bout it so I do hope he will have some solutions to that. Hmm.. what's next...? Ah! By the end of this month or the next, I will have a new gamin console joinin my family ^^v hehe.. And that person is a PS3. Once I receive it, I'll inform you bout it alrite? Hehe!!!

Once Saturday comes, I'll be able to go online like usually. For the time being, I'm usin my dad's CPU so yea, I don't really prefer usin other people's items. Eh? Suddenly like got nothin more that is of a good news to say. Hmm... I'll try to remember them and tell you again when I remember it coz this little cheepy here is distractin me a little. Oh btw, I MISS YOU ALL GUYS!!!!!!!!! HEHEHEHE!! SO DOES THIS LITTLE CHEEP CHEEP TOO!!!

I feel... proud and happy that I know that I am helpin others around me all this while. Do u hav dreams Zanzan? What is ur dream? Me? Hehe.. I don't wanna say it. It's totally embarassin and stupid too. Hehe.. Nono. It has nothin to do with future occupation. *Peace* Though my dream is somethin like what Director Lazard once said to Zack in FFVII CC. "Unattainable dreams are the best kind". Hehe....for bad news wise... I truely have one only but.... I don't really wish tell you just yet coz... I don't want u be upset, angry, happy or laugh at me. I've told 4 people bout it and everyone seems to be affected by it negatively... Eswaran was upset with me coz I spoke too lightly of it like it doesn't mean a thing to anyone that is dear to me. Crystal is like in a state of shock that kind rite now and she's buggin me everytime she's free just to tell me to be extra careful and to take care of myself more. Kai now seems to be a little depress over what I said and now I feel bad for tellin him in the first place and lastly, Wani. I did not intend on telling her anythin but then she notice a sudden weird behaviour of mine whenever I'm outside and that is keep on touchin my forehead once in a while with a "cramp" face.

I didn't tell her directly. She was the one that guessed it and I told he the truth the moment she was close to the answer. But te thing that makes not wantin to tell u just yet is that I made someone cried due to that news.... Don't worry, when the time comes, I'll inform you. Really, though I only have like... 3 years before things gets worst.... It's bout my health actually. I'll stop until here coz of my own selfish reasons. I don't want to hinder anyone's life for the time being coz everyone is busy so once they are free or somethin then I'll inform them but... It's very difficult for me to tell it to my brothers... if it is to that person... it's more like impossible to me....

Well!! Enough with the unfinished, depressin little matter. at least now I'm able to go online again and connect with those I'm close with once again. Once tomorrow comes, stress will take over me again in school (only in school) and it's another day of torment for me too coz of the headache that I have to go thru each day. It's more like a headpain rather than a headache. I cout myself lucky if there's a day that the hadpain does not come. Hehe... though that hardly happens. Ookok... I'll stop here for now. See ya!

posted at 7:08 PM