Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Hearing this song, "Longing... togireta melody", by X Japan really suits the mood right now. Don't worry, it's a sad love song. I'm really worried over somethin that is happenin to me. Puttin aside my stupid feelings, I am physically gettin worst now and you can blame it on me for it. Recently, I had fever and it kinda caused my muscles to ache a little but the worst part was when I was feelings this extreme pain on my chest area and I had to breathe like a fish. I'm not sure whether was it asthma but it seriously hurts alot. The feeling was like having something grabbing my lungs from inside and squeezing it tightly. If it was asthma, it wouldn't hurt at all. Just extreme difficulty in breathing but this is worst. The pain hasn't completely gone now because I can still feel the pain on my right side area but it's not that painful anymore.


Honestly speaking, I am really scared, Zanzan.... I afraid... Afraid of what is going to happen next... Will it get any worst than this? I'm not sure myself. If it is going to be much worst than this, I will accept it but please, give it to me slowly. A lot of people have been asking me to go see a doctor yesterday but I refused to saying that I am alright but in actual fact, I don't want to hear anymore bad news and also I want to make sure that it is not a false alarm. I now it's total dumb to be thinking this way but that is what I choose to do for the time being. I don't want to waste anyone's time by going for a checkup and the doctor can't find anything that is wrong with me or it's just a normal cramp. Honestly speaking, I don't find the need to for the time being.


I am truely sorry to those who really care for me. It is not that I do not care about you guys and girls. In fact, I really care and love all of you a lot. I really do... I'm still waiting for the reason for me to go forth with the opt but I can't seem to find it. I have considered everyone's feelings and thoughts and thus I promise you guys that while I am searching for the answer, I shall be there for you people and be normal. Making you guys smile is my favourite of all. I am sorry if this is saddens anyone of you but... like someone once told me, "You have lost sight of the meaning of your life Naz. I know what you desire the most and losing that, means, losing the meaning to carry on living". I will not elaborate much yet but this is what I can summarise for the time being. I do not like it when I harbour any form of feelings of love torwards anyone that will take a form of relationship wise. You gave me the true meaning of my life when I was once with you. I loved you ever so dearly, with my whole heart and soul. You are my meaning in life. To be with you is the most wonderful moments of my life. But when you were gone, when we went on separate ways, even when we still in contact, my hve lost the meaning of living...


I was depressed and sad for many months. Even till now, I have not recovered from the wound. Maybe it was my fault to begin with, to have loved you so much. So much more than how I love everyone else, including God... But being the normal Naz, I stayed strong. I am better now but I am still sad. Now, to make things slightly worst, I have feelings for another person too. One thing that I hate about my heart is that once I have fallen for someone, I really wish to be together with that person. But I know clearly, and certain that I will not be able to be with either of them... My heart is hurting me with each passing moment but what can I do to ease it? It is so stubborn... It doesn't want to give in... and thus, I've decided that if I can't find the reason, I shall take this opportunity to shut my heart and myself, permanently... As for the rest, don't be sad alright? Smile for me please? I've promised you all that I will be there for you guys right? Be strong. We will all be gone sooner or later. Hehe... it's a good thing that I can still laugh at this moment but... deep inside... I know that I am not happy... Oh, and for the two angels that I fallen for, please, don't let this affect your life alright? Everyone, please carry on and pursue what is important in your life. Funny isn't it? Even after saying all this, I still hope to be with either of them......forgive me... like I said once before, I shall accept this illness of mine as a form of punishment for my heart...


Gomenasai.... and... Thank you for everything.

posted at 1:29 AM