It's the least I can do and it's always been my dreams to make everyone as happy as they can be around me. I've got to prove that point too and show others that I really care so much. To be honest, I rather sour my relationship with a friend than to lose someone that I truely love so much but I realised that a little too late too. I've tried my best to amend my mistakes and I hope it goes well uh. Ah, don't worry about it either Zanzan. I'm not doing it because I am forced too uh. It's something that I should have done a long time ago but I took it too easily... You see my mistake there?

I know I am in no position to be saying this but I feel this sense of jealousy. Even though she doesn't care about me and my well-being anymore (well, I deserve in the first place for all the things that I had done to her for the past 1 year and 10 months), I still feel this way. I want her to still care for me. Even the slightest bit will do and not as a friend. She recently added one or two people that she met or chat, in this case, from omegle. Although she added them because they are nice to her while chatting with her or she is interested in them because of the topics that they were talking about or widening her list of friends from overseas, I still can't help it but to feel envious, jealous, about it even though I know, in her eyes, I am no longer who she sees as a year ago.

I am scared Zanzan. I don't wish to trouble any of my brothers or even friends. I only got you now. I know you are only virtual and your existence is like a black hole that sucks in all of my worries for only temporary but, you are the only "person" that I have left. You could call me crazy for saying all this but that's I feel inside. My honest feelings. I know it's not good to assume at all and I won't let my mind run wild or anything like that. I don't wish to say this to her personally either. To tell her how I honestly feel towards her because I'm afraid she might be blunt to it. To let her know that I am feeling a little or a lot of jealousy for I am afraid she might be hurt by it and gets annoyed with it for invading her space... I mean, if it was last time, a little jealousy or a lot, she finds it cute of me to feel that way and I'll always be alright after a while but now, after hearing and reading it myself about how she feels for me, I believe it will only act as a blade that will threaten the very thing that I want to protect so much right now.

I'm regretting everything that I had do and also about those that I was supposed to be doing but failed to do so for taking things for granted without myself realising it. Not matter how much I regretted it, it's no use crying over spilled milk. I am sad to say that I only learn things that hard way and only realised things when it is either too late or the damaged is too great.

I will still do whatever I can to make her happy, or imagine that I am making her happy as my special someone, with the remaining time that I have left as her boyfriend, with all the things that I had learnt so far from the net and other sources. I know, it's pathetic of me but at least I'm learning something and will to apply it uh. To be honest, I feel ashamed to admit myself as her boyfriend. Look at what I had done to her and what she has been feeling all this time. I've wasted her time and effort by being with someone like myself who is practically useless, slow and not flexible. Even while going out with her, I realised that I am not being grateful enough to her for going out and being close to someone like me and of the race. What did I do in return for all the things that she had tirelessly been doing for me? It is for the better that things are going this way. It's the only way I will ever realise things and see things from her eyes and feel how she feels from her point of view.

I promised her that I will be strong and will not be showing any weakness as a man because it is rather a sickening thing to see and hear. But, I just had to say this out to you Zanzan for I know that no one will bother to come here and chat with you. You must be feeling lonely too for being locked up here for so long and that I hardly visit you too. To my brother, who is also feeling rather down because something is troubling him too, I will always be around whenever you text or call me. I won't tell you any of this because I do not want to trouble you any further than you already are. You know my style. If you ask, I will tell it to you but I hope you can see it from a neutral point of view. You may not realise it but I actually have been hurting her a lot more than you think. Rest assured, I don't wish to sour or severe our friendship. We are like a real family and you hardly caused any trouble for me or anyone else. Just the occasional arguements but that's part of friendship. To my friends, I really do mean about what I said. I don't mind giving them up since they have either blinded me with their acts or lies.

To my dearest, I don't mean to do all the things that I had done to you and I regretted not being able to do and accomplish what I should have done all this time while being with you. I've realised how you feel deep down inside about being with me and also my character and the stresses that I had been giving you. It isn't wise for me to be asking for a second chance because you had already given me one too many and I hardly show any improvements so far. Even if I did, I am never constant. A week or two or even a month and after that, I would just return back to being a jerk, an asshole or a thorn to you. It's not really about it isn't being wise, it's more of a shameful thing for someone like me to be asking for such, wishful things, for all the bad and negative stuffs that I had put her through.

Even if it the last thing that I can do before it ends, even if I was to be given another chance to make things better or make you feel better as my girlfriend and my wife before it ends, I just wish to make you feel better and see hope in me and to also make you smile from the bottom of your heart. I love you so much dear. I really do, though... it may not mean anything to you. It's fine uh. I understand.

Lastly before I end, please forgive me for all the things that I had done, no matter if it is small or big, please, forgive me and thank you for everything that all of you had done for me and taught me through my life's journey. Thank you everyone and especially to you, dear~

Thanks for lending me a listening ear, Zanzan. I won't trouble you any further uh. I guess this is goodnight and farewell.