I'm here to update you on something serious too. I've kept them to myself, away from my friends and only a selected few knows about it. The one that knows the most also happened to not know the whole thing yet. I can't bring myself to tell her the whole thing. Next would be kai and that's hard too. I'm already experiencing some complications on my physical body. Blurry right eye that happens occasionally but now, it's happening almost daily. My head is starting to hurt back again and that means something though I will not say it. For those who knows what it means, yeah, that is what it means.

Now, I'm having two new problems though I'm not sure if it is connected. Firstly, this is something that I am experiencing only yesterday, from evening till now and I hope it will go away by tomorrow morning. My left arm is currently feeling this constant and stagnant pain and I feel the pain is coming from the bone area. Maybe it is just the veins or something and I really hope so. If it is not... *sigh*

The last is my right eye again but it's slightly different this time. Each time I look to the right and blink, it hurts like hell. As if there is a broken glass stuck underneath my eyelid that scratches my right eye every time I blink while looking to the right. It's been like this for 3 days now. I'll be either going to the Polyclinic again or see my personal doctor who is like a friend to me now. Hate to worry anyone at all and that's why I rather just tell people parts of it but at the same time, I feel guilty for not telling them the whole thing.

I don't want to lose my wife's smile. I want to see her keep smiling each day and feeling happy to see me (though I'm not sure if she is happy to see me. I can't read her body language at the moment.) I want to keep holding her hands and hugging her without her worrying sick about me. I want my daily life with her to be normal, like usual, with a pinch of sweetness and romance. I want to keep giving her that security, warmth, love, kindness and that extra something that no other guy can give and I know I'll always be there for her and I want her to know that she can always rely on me the most or only me and other guys out there. I want to be a good husband too..

That's why, I can't bring myself to tell her everything. I don't want to take away that smile of hers. I don't want her to leave me all of a sudden and go for someone else. It sucks to be a guy with no money and being someone useless.. but I'm changing that and I hope I have enough time to make my dream a reality. To have her hand in marriage and be there, as her real husband through thick and thin.

Next is to let my brother and family knows which is difficult too... I fear if I let anyone know, they'll lose their focus for work or any other things.

Honestly speaking, I don't really fear death unlike others but I really fear of losing my right eye too soon. I've tried viewing my surroundings with just my left eye and it isn't a pleasant experience. I can't even see the other half of a busy road.

For those who hates me or used to hate me, no matter the amount or intensity. The next piece of news will be thrilling for you guys. In 20 - 30 years time, I may no longer be around. It's just a maybe though from what my doctor said. Even if I get it removed, if it had done any damage to me, it's irreversible and can't be healed. So if it does anything to my brain, I can't fix it back. The thought of me, perhaps, forgetting people really pains me.. I hope that will not happen at all.

I'll live through this and get that operation done soon but when, I'm not certain. Something seems to be holding me back. One is partly about money but that isn't really important. My dad and I are working together for that but the other thing... It's alright. I won't say it. Later on, it might just complicate things further.

That's all I wanted to say for the time being. Thanks for lending me a listening ear Zan. You are the only person I can share my thoughts and feelings without worrying about bothering you. That's because you are me but on a different form. In a form of a virtual person that I can talk to when I'm troubled or alone. Thank you.

And to my wife, thank you for everything you've done for me from the first day we known each other uh. I cherish each and every moment we're together and I promise I'll make you happier and hopefully more loving towards me as a form of gratitude to you for taking care of me, being with me and loving me for these 2 years. I hope our relationship doesn't end soon or later. I want to still see, hold and spend my time with you but not as a friend but as your boyfriend and as someone that you'll always be proud of. I promise~