Heaven and Love

2011-12-31T01:52:00.002+08:00

Did a little spring cleaning on my stuffs in the evening to help clear some stuffs that I no longer need. I threw away almost everything except for some Math notes and all of my Poly books. I've kept all those special notes I've received from my special someone in a nice and secure file. Reading them all puts a smile on my face. :D Felt like I was experiencing some sort of sugar rush! XD

I'm here to update you on something serious too. I've kept them to myself, away from my friends and only a selected few knows about it. The one that knows the most also happened to not know the whole thing yet. I can't bring myself to tell her the whole thing. Next would be kai and that's hard too. I'm already experiencing some complications on my physical body. Blurry right eye that happens occasionally but now, it's happening almost daily. My head is starting to hurt back again and that means something though I will not say it. For those who knows what it means, yeah, that is what it means.

Now, I'm having two new problems though I'm not sure if it is connected. Firstly, this is something that I am experiencing only yesterday, from evening till now and I hope it will go away by tomorrow morning. My left arm is currently feeling this constant and stagnant pain and I feel the pain is coming from the bone area. Maybe it is just the veins or something and I really hope so. If it is not... *sigh*

The last is my right eye again but it's slightly different this time. Each time I look to the right and blink, it hurts like hell. As if there is a broken glass stuck underneath my eyelid that scratches my right eye every time I blink while looking to the right. It's been like this for 3 days now. I'll be either going to the Polyclinic again or see my personal doctor who is like a friend to me now. Hate to worry anyone at all and that's why I rather just tell people parts of it but at the same time, I feel guilty for not telling them the whole thing.

I don't want to lose my wife's smile. I want to see her keep smiling each day and feeling happy to see me (though I'm not sure if she is happy to see me. I can't read her body language at the moment.) I want to keep holding her hands and hugging her without her worrying sick about me. I want my daily life with her to be normal, like usual, with a pinch of sweetness and romance. I want to keep giving her that security, warmth, love, kindness and that extra something that no other guy can give and I know I'll always be there for her and I want her to know that she can always rely on me the most or only me and other guys out there. I want to be a good husband too..

That's why, I can't bring myself to tell her everything. I don't want to take away that smile of hers. I don't want her to leave me all of a sudden and go for someone else. It sucks to be a guy with no money and being someone useless.. but I'm changing that and I hope I have enough time to make my dream a reality. To have her hand in marriage and be there, as her real husband through thick and thin.

Next is to let my brother and family knows which is difficult too... I fear if I let anyone know, they'll lose their focus for work or any other things.

Honestly speaking, I don't really fear death unlike others but I really fear of losing my right eye too soon. I've tried viewing my surroundings with just my left eye and it isn't a pleasant experience. I can't even see the other half of a busy road.

For those who hates me or used to hate me, no matter the amount or intensity. The next piece of news will be thrilling for you guys. In 20 - 30 years time, I may no longer be around. It's just a maybe though from what my doctor said. Even if I get it removed, if it had done any damage to me, it's irreversible and can't be healed. So if it does anything to my brain, I can't fix it back. The thought of me, perhaps, forgetting people really pains me.. I hope that will not happen at all.

I'll live through this and get that operation done soon but when, I'm not certain. Something seems to be holding me back. One is partly about money but that isn't really important. My dad and I are working together for that but the other thing... It's alright. I won't say it. Later on, it might just complicate things further.

That's all I wanted to say for the time being. Thanks for lending me a listening ear Zan. You are the only person I can share my thoughts and feelings without worrying about bothering you. That's because you are me but on a different form. In a form of a virtual person that I can talk to when I'm troubled or alone. Thank you.

And to my wife, thank you for everything you've done for me from the first day we known each other uh. I cherish each and every moment we're together and I promise I'll make you happier and hopefully more loving towards me as a form of gratitude to you for taking care of me, being with me and loving me for these 2 years. I hope our relationship doesn't end soon or later. I want to still see, hold and spend my time with you but not as a friend but as your boyfriend and as someone that you'll always be proud of. I promise~

2011-11-27T00:38:00.002+08:00

I don't have much time left to spend and I have to do things more carefully and thorough. I am going to start typing properly from now on and also to increase my typing speed. Hopefully I'll be able to succeed soon uh. There's a lot of things for me to learn and I am actually learning a lot too right now. I'm actually reading some useful articles to help improve myself. Even if it is too late, if I am sincere in improving and doing better constantly, I'm sure things will work out some how. I'll make full use of all the time that I have left to make it true uh! Even if it means that tomorrow will be the last day...

Oh yes, I need to cut down on typing more than one fullstop too. XD

I've been always alone deep down inside. I mean, in terms of friends wise. As time goes by, I beging to realise that I should take actions as soon as possible and discipline myself from either delaying, dragging or just taking things too easily and being a slacker. I know that I learn things the hard way but now, I've already driven myelf to the edge of a cliff. I only have myself to blame for being selfish and too easygoing. Now is the time I do my best to turn a gloomy situation into something bright and lively!

It's the least I can do and it's always been my dreams to make everyone as happy as they can be around me. I've got to prove that point too and show others that I really care so much. To be honest, I rather sour my relationship with a friend than to lose someone that I truely love so much but I realised that a little too late too. I've tried my best to amend my mistakes and I hope it goes well uh. Ah, don't worry about it either Zanzan. I'm not doing it because I am forced too uh. It's something that I should have done a long time ago but I took it too easily... You see my mistake there?

I know I am in no position to be saying this but I feel this sense of jealousy. Even though she doesn't care about me and my well-being anymore (well, I deserve in the first place for all the things that I had done to her for the past 1 year and 10 months), I still feel this way. I want her to still care for me. Even the slightest bit will do and not as a friend. She recently added one or two people that she met or chat, in this case, from omegle. Although she added them because they are nice to her while chatting with her or she is interested in them because of the topics that they were talking about or widening her list of friends from overseas, I still can't help it but to feel envious, jealous, about it even though I know, in her eyes, I am no longer who she sees as a year ago.

I am scared Zanzan. I don't wish to trouble any of my brothers or even friends. I only got you now. I know you are only virtual and your existence is like a black hole that sucks in all of my worries for only temporary but, you are the only "person" that I have left. You could call me crazy for saying all this but that's I feel inside. My honest feelings. I know it's not good to assume at all and I won't let my mind run wild or anything like that. I don't wish to say this to her personally either. To tell her how I honestly feel towards her because I'm afraid she might be blunt to it. To let her know that I am feeling a little or a lot of jealousy for I am afraid she might be hurt by it and gets annoyed with it for invading her space... I mean, if it was last time, a little jealousy or a lot, she finds it cute of me to feel that way and I'll always be alright after a while but now, after hearing and reading it myself about how she feels for me, I believe it will only act as a blade that will threaten the very thing that I want to protect so much right now.

I'm regretting everything that I had do and also about those that I was supposed to be doing but failed to do so for taking things for granted without myself realising it. Not matter how much I regretted it, it's no use crying over spilled milk. I am sad to say that I only learn things that hard way and only realised things when it is either too late or the damaged is too great.

I will still do whatever I can to make her happy, or imagine that I am making her happy as my special someone, with the remaining time that I have left as her boyfriend, with all the things that I had learnt so far from the net and other sources. I know, it's pathetic of me but at least I'm learning something and will to apply it uh. To be honest, I feel ashamed to admit myself as her boyfriend. Look at what I had done to her and what she has been feeling all this time. I've wasted her time and effort by being with someone like myself who is practically useless, slow and not flexible. Even while going out with her, I realised that I am not being grateful enough to her for going out and being close to someone like me and of the race. What did I do in return for all the things that she had tirelessly been doing for me? It is for the better that things are going this way. It's the only way I will ever realise things and see things from her eyes and feel how she feels from her point of view.

I promised her that I will be strong and will not be showing any weakness as a man because it is rather a sickening thing to see and hear. But, I just had to say this out to you Zanzan for I know that no one will bother to come here and chat with you. You must be feeling lonely too for being locked up here for so long and that I hardly visit you too. To my brother, who is also feeling rather down because something is troubling him too, I will always be around whenever you text or call me. I won't tell you any of this because I do not want to trouble you any further than you already are. You know my style. If you ask, I will tell it to you but I hope you can see it from a neutral point of view. You may not realise it but I actually have been hurting her a lot more than you think. Rest assured, I don't wish to sour or severe our friendship. We are like a real family and you hardly caused any trouble for me or anyone else. Just the occasional arguements but that's part of friendship. To my friends, I really do mean about what I said. I don't mind giving them up since they have either blinded me with their acts or lies.

To my dearest, I don't mean to do all the things that I had done to you and I regretted not being able to do and accomplish what I should have done all this time while being with you. I've realised how you feel deep down inside about being with me and also my character and the stresses that I had been giving you. It isn't wise for me to be asking for a second chance because you had already given me one too many and I hardly show any improvements so far. Even if I did, I am never constant. A week or two or even a month and after that, I would just return back to being a jerk, an asshole or a thorn to you. It's not really about it isn't being wise, it's more of a shameful thing for someone like me to be asking for such, wishful things, for all the bad and negative stuffs that I had put her through.

Even if it the last thing that I can do before it ends, even if I was to be given another chance to make things better or make you feel better as my girlfriend and my wife before it ends, I just wish to make you feel better and see hope in me and to also make you smile from the bottom of your heart. I love you so much dear. I really do, though... it may not mean anything to you. It's fine uh. I understand.

Lastly before I end, please forgive me for all the things that I had done, no matter if it is small or big, please, forgive me and thank you for everything that all of you had done for me and taught me through my life's journey. Thank you everyone and especially to you, dear~

Thanks for lending me a listening ear, Zanzan. I won't trouble you any further uh. I guess this is goodnight and farewell.

2011-11-21T01:10:00.001+08:00

Hello~ It's been quite a while huh? Using my iPod to chat for a while with you before I head to bed. Yesterday was a fun-filled Sunday for me~ I was helping my wife to pack her room in the afternoon. I saw quite a number of her child photos and I must say she does look adorable. >< (psst~! She'll definitely kill me if she hears that word.)

I even get a chance to carry her too uh though it was in a rather awkward lifting position. I was carrying her by the 'Fireman's carry'. She saw it in a manga and asked me to try it on her and I went 'O_O' because it is a very unromantic way of carrying but she had fun and that's all that matters. I hope I'll be able to meet her soon again and lift her up by her favourite carrying style. It's a secret~ XD

My eyes are already closing uh... I think I'll go sleep first now. Goodnight~

2011-11-18T00:47:00.002+08:00

Hehe~ I'm starting to enjoy reading mangas a lot nowadays. It's all thanks to my wife forcing me to try reading a manga or two that she really love and enjoy reading. I admit that at first I wasn't into reading any of those mangas that she recommended me to because I thought it would be a waste of time and reading such genre would be more suitable for females. But after reading a few chapters of the first manga she asked me to read, I like it so much uh. It's more like I'm hooked to it. The suspense is good and the story is great. Makes me feel like I am being smacked by all of those mangas several times, each type I attempt to read it. XD Thanks dear for recommending me those books~

I'll finish reading those books first before I proceed on to read other series uh. I was looking for my childhood anime which is 'Tomatoman'. I was looking for the manga actually but I can't seem to find any info about the existence of the manga itself. Oh well...

It's getting late so I'll be heading to sleep first uh Zanzan. I'm meeting my wife tomorrow before her big night! Hehe~ I'll be the first to see her in her amazing and dazzling form~ Okok... I know I'm using bad English but oh well. You get me. XD I can't wait~! I miss her a lot too uh! It's been days since we last met. Eventhough she told me she wasn't affected much and that she doesn't miss me that much, I'll still feel the same way towards her uh. Okok. Time for me to hit the pillow~

2011-11-01T23:22:00.001+08:00

Yosh! Zanzan! It's me~! it's been a long time huh? I'll try my best to update daily or weekly uh. Just discovered that there's a blogger for iPod too. So now it is more convenient for me to blog. Hehe~

I couldn't believe myself that I actually read the whole blogger mobile's term & conditions. XD Though it is short but I rarely read any terms & conditions.

Also, my wife is sitting for her o'levels for this 2 to 3 weeks uh. I wish her all the best~! eventhough I may be useless in helping her with her studies but I hope I'll be able to give her some moral and emotional support. ><

2011-08-29T15:03:00.003+08:00

T3T My wife is still in Malaysia. I hope she is doing fine right now... From how things are going for the past 2 days, she seems to be doing quite well. Enjoy her movie marathon of Harry Porter in her dad's car and perhaps swimming? She didn't tell me much about it except. "Gonna go swimming!! So excited!!" and "I forgot how to swim!".

Well, I can say that I am happy and not at the same time. Happy she is able to swim once again but not really happy because I am not there and eyes will be on her... Ah, gomen... I'm that sort of husband uh. Anyone can see in normal clothes but if she wears a little too revealing ones, without me near by, I feel either worried, angry, sad or jealous uh. I mean, I grew up with male friends who are rather, inappropriate in their behaviour and their eyes especially. So yeah... I tend to go overboard with my thoughts. I never think ill of my wife so please don't worry bout that. It is because I trust her a lot. So much actually and I love her too much too. ><

I always have bad impression of any guys unless they are my friends and if I know them for a very long time. By long time, I don't mean entirely by duration but more towards knowing the person's inner character, the core character or the heart character. I believe, the core character which is to me, like the person's soul can't change. It's like pre-built-in from young.

Anyway, I'm missing her so much right now. Tomorrow is Hari Raya... I never look forward to it like everyone else does. Nothing special to me uh. Just like any ordinary day. People are the ones that gave it a meaning for celebration. Other than that, nothing else in my opinion. I've been sad for almost every Hari Raya... Listening to those nostalgic songs, makes me remember the person that I've lost.. Which is only one person. My great grandmother. But this year, it's something special. I feel 3 times more sorrow, much more emptiness... Because, the person I love, isn't around with me... She is still in Malaysia..

When she comes back, I'm going to hug her so firmly and feel all of her with my hands and skin. I miss her smiles, her lips, her curvy figures, her hair, her physical presences and many more... When she comes back, I'm going to let out the most childish/softest "mmmmm" or "fieeeee~" through the phone uh! It's a honest sign that I miss her so much and feel really relieve that she have reach home safely.

2011-07-16T01:44:00.002+08:00

Zanzan... To you, I always seek to share my thoughts and problems with when all of my friends and family are away or I can't bear to share with them and bottle it all up... A friend advised me to never do that but I like to avoid stressing anyone out with my rants or problems or just plain old dumb views that doesn't make any difference...

But this time around, I would like to share something different with you. I just a sad story of mine so please treat it like one alright? You do know that I have fallen in love with someone currently right? A sweet, young, lovely, charming, cute, beautiful lady that seems prefect or complete in my eyes. We have been loving and together for one year, seven months and fifteen days... Yes... To be tiny heart, we ended our loving chapter just yesterday... You are the only form of warmth that I can feel currently Zanzan... the heat that flows from the laptop and out from the fan. Who am I kidding... My jokes are neither funny nor lame... Memories of her, of us, keep flowing in and around my mind. Never out. It flows like how the sands in an Hour Glass flows...

I want to feel her again... the warmth that she radiates and seeing her smile... I can no longer hold her in my arms anymore now... friends are allowed to hug, of course, but I won't be allowed to embrace her like my own wife... My love for her is too strong to let go that easily... We had no strong problem that could repel both of us apart for long... I keep blaming myself for that event that happened that day... If only... If only I had listened to her and went home... If only... And that's all that I can ever say.. It's true I am useless and hopeless in doing tasks but I never knew I was this.. this bad... Even your layout Zanzan, was chosen by her. Do you remember? I remember it very clearly..

Oh my aching heart...

I wish I could just reverse time and headed home instead... home... back... hmm.. I guess I'm not really in the proper state of mind to be sharing anything right now I guess.. I'm listening to Mucc's Ayatori. I don't know the meaning behind every single word in the lyrics but the music...some how it just compels me to just tear... tear a never ending river... ahaha.. I can't believe everything... has ended... oh my heart... it's still aching... we were going so smoothly... why... why... she said it's fated for that to happen... I never deny that fact. It's correct, in a sense but... what if I were to went home on that day after seeing her parent's windows are wide open? I may still be fated to still be with her... doesn't that make sense to you Zanzan?

I never felt such strong emotions towards my past relationship... All I know is that I love her so dearly.. more that anything and anyone in my life... I didn't shed any tears during any passing away of relatives and lonely a little for my late great grandmother but for her... this is more than that.. I wish I could call her, like usual and hear her cheerful voices and most probably a few scoldings in a joking way... I miss that... I miss that so much... Now I have no one to scold me anymore...

This year... It seems that I've lost so many friends.. My circle of friends are decreasing rapidly and losing her as a special someone was never in my mind for this year... The only friends I have left is Kaile and QX but they'll most probably have to leave for some reason or other... everyone has dreams right? I guess that will be one of the reason for their disappearance in future time.. I don't know... Gosh... tearing marathon is really, really painful... It's not like anyone will truly care at home by morning... Now, I have lost her... my precious gem that I polish daily with my heart, sincerity and love... gone... losing her was the biggest blow for me... As they say, behind every man is a woman and in every men, women are their greatest weakness... some can argue with that statement but I have no emotions to entertain such topics at the moment...

It would be nice if I wake up by morning and seeing a message for her saying or asking me to resume our chapter again... Why not I ask instead? how can that be possible... I can't. She'll never accept or say yes... no matter how much we would love to but she would say no to it... Why do we have to leave? Well... It's for the best.. She won't have to lie to her mum anymore and at least she doesn't have to feel any guilt and answering her mum back with confidence if the topic about relationship ever raise up again...

I don't know... My heart weighs heavy and begging me to be back with her...I just can't.. I don't dare to... I respect and love her and I promise I would help her along the way by not making it difficult for her or pestering her... no matter how many times I explain to my pouring heart, it still asking me why...why...why... why do we have to leave... can't we just... nah.. I better shut up until this part... I can't be selfish... If she views that this is for the best and better option, I'll accept it..

Even though she told me to not wait, I'll still be waiting... waiting for perhaps a day where a lady dressed so lovely, having winds blowing gently on her clothes and skin and telling me, 'Yes. We can resume again'.

Have you heard of dimensions or parallel dimensions such as like the decisions that you never make or do, the aftermath of the choice that you didn't do gets created and forms a parallel world, same as ours but just a little different. I hope that Naz in that parallel world is happy and loving his Princess so so so much and laughing together in joy...

I still love you baby...

2011-07-02T00:04:00.002+08:00

I had such a great time last afternoon till evening~ ^^ I went swimming with my princess and also with her friend, Hong Yeah. Well, that's how I pronounce his name though. XD We learnt and shared some swimming techniques of our own and we had a great time~ I even taught them the "mermaid" style of swimming and I'm the only one feeling tired from swimming with that method!

They must have powerful abs. XD Speaking of swimming.. I'm getting rather sleepy and I finally had a nice chatting session with my wife~ I love hearing her voice before I take my rest. ^^ Sleep well alright baby~? Don't mean to be rude or surprise you by putting down while you rest uh. Hubbie wish you a goodnight rest and sleep well~

2011-06-20T23:49:00.002+08:00

Hello~ It's been a while hasn't it? Been busy lately with my life and I must say, I've been enjoying myself through the journey life has brought me through. It definitely makes me feel alive. XD With the person I'm in loved with constantly being there for me, texting and calling me. The time we spent together. The smiles and joy we shared together~ The stresses the boys tend to give me when I'm around and the puppy play that they always surprise me whenever I call them over. ^^

But at the moment, I have to slow down my pace a lot. Recently, I just recovered from a normal fever followed by runny nose and coughing. Only my coughing was left till this morning and now I am left with this sharp, strong chest pain around my right lung area and it seems to be spreading to my lower left side. The right one hurts a lot. I occasionally experience this pain but doesn't last for more then a minute. It worries me. Tomorrow morning I'll be visiting a nearby Polyclinic to have a checkup. If it's bad, I'll have to be admitted to the hospital. If not, I can go home.

2011-06-04T22:02:00.002+08:00

Hello~ It's been a while hasn't it? Been busy lately. With classes and daily life stuffs but I'll finally be getting a 2 weeks break from school after next week. Don't worry. I'll be doing my revision from time to time during my break plus I'll be having my common test directly after my school break. All the best to me then~! XD Gonna work hard on my Mathematics plus I'm having some great help and support from my wife and I really appreciate it so so much~~!! Love the way she teach me. >< She fierce and direct yet helpful and caring. Really. You should she how she tries to make me feel better when a family was demoralising me by bragging bout how good their Primary school daughter is and how many passes she get.

Wait till I pass her parents my Math questions. I would to see how they scratch their privates after seeing that. Okay, jokes aside, looking back at their comments, really puts me beyond self-reflecting. At that same moment, I was totally feel like stopping my revision and just sit back and my mind was filled with rage. Honest. But there she was~, helping me to calm down in the most unique and lovely way~ She wrote down a small, short and sweet note of encouragement to me while I was busy completing my assignment that was given to me. I still remembered what she said to me while I was busy solving.

"Bie~ Don't like okay~? Maths isn't so hard. Practice makes perfect so don't feel so down. Solving maths needs a calm mind so don't be nervous or angry okay~?"

Seeing how she smiled at me and placing her arm around my shoulder really melts me deep down inside and out. Ahhhhhh~~~~ >< I really want to spend more time with her but thats only possible if my parents can cut me some more allowance with time and after her O level exams. Oh yes! When I have the time, I'll upload our family photo too! But just one~ XD

2011-05-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

I've been reflecting on some men's behaviour. I've observe the guys in my school, my life and online comments from men. One thing always comes into my mind, why must men treat and see women like some toys that they can play and compare and even share with?!! I understand that men and women alike, have their own needs and desires but, men just seem to not care about what the women feels deep inside their heart. Porn really destroys a typical man's mind easily and that is what is happening to men around the world... I'm not saying all but it just seem that many of us are...sadly...

Worst still, is when they start comparing and treat female bodies as some sort of sex station. Doesn't satisfy them, ask for enlargement or demoralise them with nasty comments... and when they do have the right size or figure, give compliments like they'll have it everyday... Women don't want this experinces!! They want love and affections! Not lust for them tonight and off from bed in the morning and behave like strangers. I know men have feelings but for once, appreciate whom you are being with. Even a kiss is a grand gift from your partner....

I can't emphasise enough on this point... If men keep this up, more and more women will be depressed with themselves and overly obsessed with the wrong matter in life....

2011-05-17T00:16:00.002+08:00

I just failed again... miserably... I've made her upset once again... I broke her heart by stabbing her with my tone, the way I spoke to her just a couple of minutes ago... I broke my own wife's heart.... What kind of a man am I?! Incapable of even healing her wounds that I HAD CAUSED and making her feel like putting down the phone at any moment... please don't view her as a bad person... the evil one and bastard of all is this jerk... me... I had tainted my Goddess heart with my evil prayers... the thought of her still being angry with me by the next morning is already killing me!!

I still do want to hear her cheerful voice and smiles... I didn't mean to take away her highness joy and loving side and replacing them with sorrow and anguish.... I'm a failed husband.... I'm a failure.... I"M REALLY SORRY BABY!!! I know it will be hard for you to forgive my wrong doings and I know you have turned sour towards me.... A thousand apology, a million warm hugs and a million words of comfort can't guarantee that I will be able to heal her and fix her shattered heart.

Hundreds hours of romance, joy, tears and laughter that we had created and remembered were shattered and lost due to my own selfish behaviour... I am such a fucker... I've failed my princess and also everyone... I just don't know how to face her once again.... I'm really sorry baby... I promise it won't happen again. I don't want to lose you ever uh!!! I may be stupid, slow and ignorant but I want to learn to be better!! I want to be with you and cherishing you everyday!! I hope it's still possible for me. I didn't mean to hurt you.....

2011-05-16T00:59:00.003+08:00

The week has been alright for me. I managed to do maths without much help while at home and that is a BIG improvement for me. XD Engineering maths isn't easy to begin with. Well, that is for me that is. Plus, I'll be having some personal coaching from my wife for algebra which I had forgotten ages back. XD I know my wife is very strict in teaching so I hope I can absorb as much and not make her angry with my slowness.

I love her so much and appreciates all that she had done for me and the time spent~ I've grown really attached to her and I must admit, I find it difficult to let go... I pray that I will be able to make her happy further and be with her for a every long time as her real husband, perhaps~

2011-05-08T23:54:00.002+08:00

Ahhhhh~~~ Hehe~ I feel so happy after today's event and smses that I had received from my wifey~~ We had a little conversation about our future and there's hope for me if I want to make her my wife and my answer to that is a definite YES!!!!! You can never find a girl and a lady like herself? Well, I do agree that many of us have different opinion of their own on who they want to be with but she is someone that is complete. Not only is she independent on doing and completing tasks but she is also intelligent and always thinking. Se even keep me right on track when I went astray and her words never fails to make me realise just how fortunate I am plus she is very patient with me (eventhough she doesn't like to admit that . ><)

If being and intelligent, focused and smart not really what some men would be into, her looks is really astounding. She never fails to leave me surprised and wanting to look at her more and more in different angles and aspects too~~~ ^^ Her eyes. Eventhough she had said it many times over that they are small and insignificant but to me, she may not realise it but it's those pair of eyes that I laid my attention to and it's those same pair of eyes that looks at me with so much joy every time I make her happy~ The way they radiate that awesome glow and how they reflect the light and shines. I love that a lot and how they are shaped too. Those eyelashes and eyebrows of her's~ WWWWOOOOOO!!!! I love it so much!! Especially the way she look at me with so much attention and passion in them~~~ <3

Her lips~ I just love how she plays with them as we kiss. How she curls them up and biting them gently and how soft they feel and look like~ The natural pink to red and glossy colour of her lips that tend to make other females envious without them realising it themselves. How her nose and ears sits perfectly in it's place and how I love teasing them from time to time and she her reactions from it~~ They're adorable but I know she hates that word a lot so I tend not to mention it to her but I can't deny that fact, of course~ OOOOOO~~~!!!! I love her hair and every styles that she has to display them and how they flow~ From straight and love, buns, ponytail and to the current hot and gorgeous, curly and wavy flowing hair~ It's like I'm browsing a famous hot female model magazines with many awesome clothes displayed but even better, it is only one hot,, gorgeous, beautiful and glamourous girl, my wifey~~~ I can literally just look at her all day and feel contented with it. ^^

I think I'll stop her for the time being~ I love you so much baby~~~ Sleep well and oyasumi~~~!! <3

2011-05-04T23:47:00.002+08:00

For the past two days, including today, I'm having a great loving time with my wife~ It's been sooooooooo long~~~~ since we last spent our time together with so much feelings inside~ She even said that she isn't used to not getting angry at me for a day but~, this is great news for her and~~ we can continue spending a delightful day together with being stress free from me uh~!

I love being mushy and lovey-dovey with her whenever we have the chance. It feels too good when I get to have her to rest on my shoulder and chest and cuddling while we rest on the sofa. If this is what they call quality time, I call this my heaven!! XD I can still feel her hugging me and sinking her sweet and beautiful face into my neck and hiding from the light~ Believe me, it feels good because I've tried that and I like it but I'm sure my wifey loves it more. I love being near her and smell her hair and down her neck~ ><

I better get some rest or else I'll be sleepy for tomorrow's class. I hope to dream of her and her tender care~~~ I can never get enough of her love~~~ <3 I pray that tomorrow will be a much better day for the both of us~

Thank you for the wonderful day baby~~!!! And thank you for the wonderful activities we had for the past two days~ I'll do my best to make your day right uh baby~

2011-05-03T00:00:00.003+08:00

God... I am such a bastard and a jerk... I've made many promises to my wife and yet, I keep breaking them without me realising them and I ended up making empty promises... I deserve to be called an S.O.B but the B part is not meant for my mum... Her tears, every time I hear and see them streaming down her cheeks, I keep blaming myself and yet I could offer little help to comfort her... what does this fucker do? Keep quiet with throat choked with guilt...

I am well aware that apologies meant a little with often mistakes that I've made and they keep adding on in her heart...please don't blame her for feeling that way. She is just an innocent Princess with a golden heart and feelings. We men can take such things easy but we must not forget that there are others that aren't like us or like me as a matter of speaking...

Don't tell me to stop condemning myself... I can't. The tears that she shed leads to a result of me taking away one of her most beloved gifts and that is her smile, joy and laughter... I couldn't even do the most basic of loving her or respecting her requests... I can't even hold her properly and securely and make her feel loved by me... I'm beyond pathetic... My selfish attitude of taking things easy and procrastinating has led me into hurting my beloved angel. The special Goddess that God has sent to me, to love me proper and nourish me with her guidance, love and teachings and removing away the evil that my past had done onto me...

But what did I do or treated my loving angel that is always by my side? I neglected her and took her for granted.... I neglected my duties as her husband and I slowed down in showing my affections to her. My wife, not just some body or anybody but someone I love truly so much... How could I... I'm such a fucker...Even God is refusing to hear my prayers of making me into a better person and improving our relationship...

I want to hurt her no more. I fear my Goddess would refuse me and forbid me from embracing her... I'm afraid it might be too late or my efforts to be futile... God, I love her so so much... please, I beg you, let me succeed in winning my Goddess heart and love again. Let me be a proper husband and appreciating every little things that she do for me and learn from her as she shapes me to be a better adult. Baby...will you allow me to love you once again and to do my very best to make things right and ease you? I want to wash myself clean from my past disgust, gross and sinful deeds and appear to you as an upright and a proper man for you to love. I want to love and be with you like how I once was. I miss being myself... I want to return back to all those wonderful times and having you to love me again without worries. I'll do my best to improve myself and to keep you close.

I'll be a jerk no more and be your best devotee you have ever loved and embrace. I promise you baby. I won't stop loving you and cherishing you till the day I stop breathing and my eyes close. I want to spend my remaining time with you, making sweet memories together. Kissing, cuddling and teasing one another till the day turns to dusk... I love you so much baby. I'll make you trust me fully again. I promise.

2011-02-05T04:16:00.002+08:00

Woken up for a little while so I thought of dropping by to clear a little dust off. It's been two days now since I last meet with my dearest baby... I miss her so so so much uh... I even kept dreaming of her~! I even dreamed about wooing her with my superpowers. XD And no one in that dream seem surprised with someone being able to fly and shoot projectiles from the air. XD

She must be sleeping soundly right now. I'm just glad thinking bout it uh. But in a way, I miss having this arms wrapping around her waist as she sleeps and having her leaning against my chest... Imagining her sweet lips parting as I brush her hair away from her face, makes me feel so... loving. ^^

Okok. I guess I'll stop here for now uh. Time to go back to sleep~ It's 4:29 right now too uh. Nighty night~

2011-01-27T14:58:00.002+08:00

Going online for a short while to do a short update. Hehe~

Today I just got my results for my practical Manufacturing Tech test and I got full marks~! The teacher was like giving me this expression, O_O My mouth said thank you while in my mind, I was like, why are you giving me that expression? He even said I was smart... Maybe it's due to the fact that I keep quiet often in class that made him think I'm not really doing well.

Putting that aside, I'm starting to feel worried for my baby's well-being. For this past one week, she has been mentioning to me that school is stressing her out a lot and I can see that effects too. It's making her crankier but I won't blame her or anything. I'm just worried bout the stress she is going through. I am for one is adding to her stress too... I'm sorry baby... I hope that her school won't give her so much stress for the following weeks. I feel bad seeing her feeling that way and that I can't help much to ease her...

Ok then, I'll end it here for today. Byebye~

2011-01-20T20:58:00.002+08:00

The afternoon sun was bathed by the pouring rain. Looking out from my door, I could see just how heavy it was pouring from the sky. In my mind, I wondered if it was my princess that was tearing tonight... As they say, when it rains, it usually means something sad and it our Earth feels it too...

Today, I didn't get to meet my baby once again... One was because I heard wrongly and the other my mum didn't allow me to leave the house after school... I knew she was looking forward to meeting. So was I but I thought today she had piano and tuition but instead it was tomorrow... I guess that is why it rained just now... to remind me once again how sad it was for her in her heart and how disappointed it was for her not being there for her today... But I promise, tomorrow we will definitely meet again baby~

2011-01-17T23:25:00.002+08:00

I am a jerk... a moronic jerk... I'm a bloody idiot... I just made her upset again... I kept disappointing her time and time again... god... why is it so wrong to hear either side... each side seems unhappy bout something... I'm sorry baby but I don't want to cut down too much time on our meeting uh.. and I've made up my mind for now. I'll listen to you..

2011-01-17T21:41:00.002+08:00

Hey there Zanzan! You know, I've been ill since Thursday. I first had symptoms of me having fever during dinner with my wife and Kai. I did inform them but I myself didn't really take much heed because I thought a sudden increase in my usual warm body temperature and sore throat. The worst came on Friday and Saturday. My temperature suddenly shoot up to 40+ degrees... But I can't just abandon my wife because of my illness so I head straight to her house after my class. Initially I was alright and all and I tried to put up a strong front.

But all of it was uncovered when she hugged me. XD My body temperature was waaaaaayyyy higher then usual. I got her worried sick of course and I still felt bad until today... I even troubled her... When I myself couldn't take the high fever, I asked if I could rest instead. Several minutes later, she asked me to rest on the floor instead with a blanket covering the floor for me and she rush to the kitchen. She took with her a towel and a basin containing water and ice cubes. She patiently and diligently soak the towel into the freezing water and gently dabbing it on my upper body and forehead. Even though I was shivering so much and distracting her but with a gentle voice she said, "Tahan alright baby~? This is all for your own good."

After dabbing and changing the basin water several times, she gave herself a rest and sleep soundly beside me. Even though she mentioned my temperature was still high, she meant well. She was actually concern as to why my temperature was still high after all that... But all went well soon after. My temperature did went down considerably. We went for dinner and the only thing I could eat was porridge but it was a satisfying meal. (Hope I get to taste her home-made porridge next). But when I'm my way home... my temperature sky rocket again due to travelling... Worried not only my wife by my mum too.

I told my mum what she did for me on Friday and in a way, my mum got jealous! XD She was like saying that this kind of thing usually mothers would do and some wives too. It's hard to see that in teenage relationships. But her face was a little towards the envious side. XD (Sorry mum! I slipped again!) Then on Saturday morning at around 4AM, my mum woke up early to check up on me and noticed that my temperature was still high. She took a whole lot more ice cubes (when you see the amount, you might just wanna freeze to death... XD) and cold water and a towel. She dabbed my forehead with it while I'm asleep. I freaking screamed in my sleep for a few seconds and she thought my soul just jumped back in or something... XD

I screamed like this, "AAAARRRRGGGHHHHhhhhh....". And afterwards, I fall back to sleep~ XD

2011-01-09T21:15:00.002+08:00

Do you see how nice this blog is now decorated? It spells total awesomeness!! It's just shouts "beautiful" on my face~ Just like that. This blogskin is created to my baby for finding it and surprising me at the same time too~ I'm still taken back by it! I really, really, really LOVE IT so much uh~! I told her this before that I really love this kind of artwork but I'll repeat this again. I am a guy that really adores and prefers this kind of artwork and even though that this may seem simple to many eyes, if in terms of artwork or skins or stickers, this is my number one art favourite~!!

I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVEEEEEE IT~!! This is even better than all the previous skins that I have used before~ It's even better than the chibi halloween one~! XD How I wish I can express myself better to her than just by words alone.... Oh well... when the time comes, I'll do it! Be a man Naz! XD I'm missing her... I've been missing since after I left just now but I'm missing her more after all that she has done for me uh... not just today... everything... from all her sacrifices that she has made from staying home just to see me, having to lie to her mum to just stay home... putting up with my attitudes and behaviours at time... for guiding me and patiently teaching every time I make a mess, troubling her and being slow so often...

I miss her scoldings too... Only when I do something wrong that is. I miss the way she smiles. The way she greets me. The way her body moves and shakes. The way she caress and kisses me. Oh.... the way her lips always finds it place perfectly on mine and when she rest on my chest so comfortably... I miss all of this... so so so much... Bie... I miss you so much uh... I love you so much more uh! Every time I close my eyes, your image always appears in my mind. When I close my heart, to ask questions and seek comfort some times, I feel your loving warmth every time. You are my wife baby~ And I really hope one day, I can have your hand in marriage. Seeing you all smiling, wearing that beautiful white wedding gown and saying, "Our wish finally came true hubbie~".

I guess I'll end it here first uh. Be seeing soon uh! *Grabs tissue* Hehe~ My eyes are a little teary from all that uh. Bie~, you are the only one that I love and I hope I will only love you and it will blossom more and more uh~! I love you so much baby~! Remember our wish uh! When there's hope, there is a way!

By the way, thanks to Yat for fixing the numerous errors for this blogskin uh~ Credits most go to these two people but more towards my baby for she help to find this beautiful and awesome skin uh~! Thanks again uh Baby and yat! Byebye~

2011-01-07T12:28:00.003+08:00

Just got home from school but I'll be returning back again later at 3 for my last class. There's a 3 hours gap in between the first and last class. So yeah. I headed home first uh. I'll be seeing her later too. ^^ I feel happy but at the same time, I'm worried bout her. She's affected once again by how she and other people around her view her body figure... That is really something to be bothered about. Even if that doesn't concern me much, her well-being is something that is of my concern..

She has made her mind for going for a jog every time the opportunity arise. That, I won't mind at all. It does help in training for 2.4 too. Don't worry, I'll be joining her too. But the next one really drives me nuts but I can't do anything bout it. She is planning on going for a diet by only eating one meal everyday and no carbo content either.... The no carbo part is alright with me but 1 meal a day... that is worrisome... God... please give her strength and make that desire of her to be slim come true. Seeing her not smiling and depressed isn't good for me. I don't feel angry but I feel low... It's like, she is feeling like that and there's nothing I could do to make her feel better.

The only thing that I can do is to support her and monitor her well-being and to join in the training regime.

2011-01-03T11:02:00.002+08:00

Our one year anniversary finally came and I am thrilled by it even now! It's not just the fact the we lasted for a year already but also because we have endured all the problems and difficulties together and got through it all together. It makes me really happy to know that uh~! But I feel extremely bad. Because on our anniversary, I didn't get anything for her just yet or make a big or some sort of celebration to mark this special day... T3T She said it was alright and that seeing her on that special day means a lot to her but... but... I still feel low...

Not only that. I've made promises to her that I will return home by 11pm on that day but I broke that promise and returned home only at 2+am... I was under my mum strict rules of following her... and I made my baby waited for nothing... thats the worst part. I got her really angry... We never spoke on the phone for almost the whole morning and afternoon. She was too upset with me and I don't blame her... Imagine yourself in her position and you will understand her... To make things worst, some time in the late afternoon, she sms me to give her a call but I was bathing and by the time I got to my phone, I saw her angry message saying, 'Nevermind. Forget it.'

Guilt and grief strangled me when I saw that message... There was no excuse for me not to return that call... Eventhough she is partially alright now, I know that deep in her heart, she hates me for this reasons and many more... I don't even know how to properly make it up to her uh... honest. But that's no excuse either. I have to be responsible for my actions. I'm really sorry baby for hurting you... I'm really sorry...

Words of apology aside, I need to save up real hard to make it up to her. On my list are a few things I must get for her. One would be a decent celebration uh. I feel like finding a part time job every Saturday and Sunday. I feel very bad every time she sees something online or outside and that I can't buy anything much for her... I'l try my best to find a part time job that is flexible uh. In the mean time, please be patient uh bie!

Before I end here, I would like to ask for my forgiveness to my Goddess of love. I'm am truely for all the misdeeds that I had done and I know that I will repeat or make new ones and I hope you will forgive me when that happens and continue to guide my wrongs to rights. You are the reason that I am in love again. You gave me the support that I need and you gave me the kind of love that I ever wanted. I hope I'll be able to make you smile a little more often in months to come uh bie. I love you and Happy first anniversary~!

2010-12-31T10:41:00.002+08:00

It has been two days that we've met but I'm already missing her so much and I can't get enough of her uh! *Sigh* It seems like I've grown more and more dependent on her as the days goes by. She even gave me an energy boost every time I meet her or being on the phone with her~! Honest. It's going to be our 1 year anniversary soon but.... I feel like I've done a lot more harm to her than any good... That is to my belief uh. I feel like I am a useless husband-to-be too... I have not even save enough to celebrate with her either...

It's going to be her first anniversary and the experience I'm giving is this... I'm sorry baby... I promise I'll make it up to you within this month uh! First thing first is gifts. Yup yup. Gotta add that to my to do list. ^3^

Baby... I'm really sorry for all the things that I've done to you...

I guess apology alone isn't enough to heal a wounded heart uh Zanzan? I guess not... It takes more that my actions alone to help. I need to be consistent too. It's going to be tough but for my love for her and respect, I can do it. What's more, I'm not doing this alone.

Ok la. I think I leave it till here uh. Till next time.

P.S. I forgot to mention bout the family that I saw together with her yesterday. We were walking back home and we notice this family waiting for the oncoming bus. The whole family stood up and the husband forgot to flag the bus. His expression combined with the motion of the wife's hair when the wind blew pass as the bus ignores them really cracked her up and nearly mine too! XD But the expression on the uncle made me not laugh because I can understand his emotions too. Imagine someone smiling even while his wife is angry at him for not flagging the bus and then heard someone laughing and his expression changes to the extreme sad look. XD I won't blame her for laughing. Even Kai agrees but it's bad uh to laugh too loud. XD

2010-12-24T23:32:00.004+08:00

Today, I met her once again and we was able to do one thing that we can hardly do together uh! Guess guess~ It's swimming! Hehe~ But at first, I met with her at her home first and boy, was I scared uh. I had to hide in the closet for a while because her mum's friend came over to spring clean her house. I even ran out half naked (top only) because it was warm for me and I rushed over and she wanted to feel me so much. I do too in fact.

We headed down to Khatib Swimming complex and the water was 1.0 meter deep. I was quite happy that it was deep enough for my height uh. Any deeper and I might lose my composure a little and especially without a goggle. Hehe. Oh yes! Before I forget, we applied tons of sun blocks and in the end, my legs were the darkest because I didn't apply that much on my legs. Now I look like Ju from my poly. XD

Her swimming skills have improved alot but there's still a long way to go to be a pro swimmer. Same goes to me uh! XD For me, there is no room, space or place that can really pull us apart and prevent us from being lovey dovey and intimate. I love the feeling of her's on mine~ Her curves, her smile, her sweet lips, the way she arch her body and leans on mine, the moment we spent just being in and out of the pool and not forgetting the intimate moment that we had while having lunch~ All this, I can never let them go. They are already burnt and marked into my memories uh.

But and good things must come to an end and ours came when we had to leave each other's side... It was extremely difficult for me... I felt like running back to her for a moment and hug her one last time by hiding behind her for a while but I couldn't... I'm sorry... I'll give it a shot next time when I have the chance to. I'll always remember her smile and the way she greets me every time~ Till then, bye bye~

2010-12-23T19:57:00.003+08:00

Hehe~ Hello Zanzan~ Just dropping by once in a while to clear the dust uh! Hehe~ Just kidding.

^^ I'm smiling to myself currently uh~ Hehe~ It's been so long since I last met with her and today I finally got the chance to uh! Those lovely smile of her's that I've been missing so much to see and those soft cheeks of her's that I am dying to feel and touch~

I'm glad that our day turn out right and we really enjoyed ourselves. Holding on to her was one of my greatest moments ever and seeing her smile like that, nothing can defeat that uh or make my day even better~ We were mushy mushy most of the time and I had to buy us lunch at around 2.38 but it was difficult for me to even leave her side for too long uh... T3T I didn't take that long (I hope) and we soon had our lunch a few minutes later.

Being close to her wasn't, frankly speaking, wasn't enough for me. I wished that there were ways for me to get even more closer to her. Like melt with or on to her perhaps? XD But I really wanted us to be even more closer than how we already are. In the midst of everything, we kinda got a little intimate and I felt her on my skin. I'll never forget those moments baby~! Even as I sank onto her, her smiles really kept me captivated all this time. Even until now~ Hehe~

Her sweet scent is radiating from my hand. I'm smelling it from time to time~ It's the only thing that makes me feel closer to her uh~

Already, I guess we'll stop here uh. Hope to see you soon.

2010-11-20T11:28:00.002+08:00

Picture Perfect by Monkey Majik.

It is a song that I've wanted to dedicate to her. Though it is too late but, here is my song for you.

Lyrics (translated):

All the time that you were standing by my side
She's that picture perfect kind
I can't believe i was so blind
Do you remember the time
You know I stepped across that line
I made you cry and that's my crime
I wish that I could just rewind

It's the evening, and you've been complaining
About our situations and all my deceiving
I know that everything is going slow
And if you want to feel better
I can tell you that it's going to be great
Yeah it's going to be good
Oh! but I would be lying to you

But these days, I'm changing
Meeting new faces
How am I supposed to be?
And my feelings for you seem to be changing
Looking back, don't look back on me

All the time that you were standing by my side
She's that picture perfect kind
I can't believe I was so blind
Do you remember the time
You know I stepped across that line
I made you cry and that's my crime
I wish that I could just rewind

I don't care if she's here,i wanted to be free
I don't care if she leaves,i wanted her to leave
It's kind of hard to see...when the world tunnel-visioned me
The shape of love i was longing for
They say believe in what you can't see
But the candy around me is so sweet it's hard to think
In my head i comprehend but i can't put it into actions
My eyes on the reason,the truth's here listen
Though i chase and chase ,things keep fleeting
I had a weird dream,i must have been sleeping
Before i drift far away,i've got to seek it nearby
If i look closely,there's a beacon in my heart
Of light shining,the thing i was searching for is here
Nearer than i thought,close to your hemisphere
Now it's clear twenty/twenty cuz I'mmma share
Everything and i don't care if they think i'm weird
There there nobody thinks you're weird
Ya see,i've been through it all before

And the same thing happened to me
I don't care,"wounds heal with time"
But in the meanwhile...
I'll show what I mean
Let's think of it another way
Everything we do and say defines who we are
As we live out each day
What we did was wrong at the time
But it helps us go back and rewind
It's a mistake but it ain't no crime
Our bodies together,that's love

All the time that you were standing by my side
She's that picture perfect kind
I can't believe I was so blind
Do you remember the time
You know I stepped across that line
I made you cry and that's my crime
I wish that I could just rewind

I said goodbye
I didn't know that it would all turn out this way
But now I know I realise
And I can learn from my mistakes

But these days, I'm changing
Meeting new faces
How am I supposed to be?
And my feelings for you seem to be changing
Looking back, don't look back on me

All the time that you were standing by my side
She's that picture perfect kind
I can't believe I was so blind
Do you remember the time
You know I stepped across that line
I made you cry and that's my crime
I wish that I could just rewind...

2010-11-20T10:26:00.002+08:00

Ong Jin... God... forgive me... forgive me.... forgive.. me...

2010-11-20T09:44:00.002+08:00

Zanzan! Please help me! I'm losing her! I'm losing her due to my fault... I couldn't defend her and I only made matters worst with the wrong choice of words and without properly elaborating them... but I don't wish to lose her! She's my angel... My goddess... someone I look up to for support and strength... she someone prefer in my eyes. But... all that... wil be all gone soon...I can't take this pressure.. the only thing that is in my mind is, "it's my fault" and "I deserve all this for being a bastard and a jerk towards her". Even if I cry out blood, it still won't change the fact I've hurt her so much and that I'm worst than a bastard..more stupid than an idiot and much more useless and hopeless than anyone...

I'm lower than dirt... She's done so much to make me happy.. but why can't I do just that too... I've made her happy but.. I don't feel I'm doing it at the same level... oh no... I just received a few text messages... Zanzan... I'm sorry... but I have to leave for now...I am at lost and Im breaking down.. getting over something... Is not something I prefer.... I can never getting over her... thats the honest truth.. she made an impact in my life... so much.. I've remembered from the first time I know her til now...

Zanzan, I'll be leaving for now.. I'll be back later.. i hope..

2010-11-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

To my dearest wife,

Thank you for the wonderful and pleasant time today uh! I can't use the term, "I enjoyed myself", rather, I felt so loved, cared and welcome throughout the whole time we were spending time together uh! I really really appreciate it baby~ All the effort and time we spent together, I'll cherish them always and wish for more to come. >< I know I'm being greedy but is it wrong for me to keep wanting more and more of my gorgeous wife's time and care?

*Snuggles* I guess it's high time we both get some rest uh. You ought to be sleeping by now but that's alright. We had a long and exciting, not to mention loving day together~ Oyasumi baby~ <3 I love you~

With love,
Nazree, Butler~

2010-11-04T23:02:00.002+08:00

Resting on your lap, I felt so comfortable~ Like a child sleeping and being caressed by his loved ones to sleep, you caress my hair so gently and watched over me with your sweet smile as I rest on your soft and comfortable lap. Looking at you smiling your sweetest smile each day when I first arrive, never fails to make my day better and great! Your scent attracts me like a bee on honey except that you've made it irresistible for me with you sweet smile and that something that just never fails to make skip a few beats and rushing towards you every time uh.

With each meeting and with each passing day, I become more and more greedy.... I keep wanting her more and more of her. A few hours of meeting is never enough for me and my dearest wife. But she always makes it worth while or should I say, she makes feel so loved and cared for.My devotion to her has never ceased to surprise myself. Whenever there's a chance to meet or that she needs me, I will always be there and at times, surprise her a little too XD

She's like my Goddess in life. If it was possible to make a certain religion of my own, I will definitely make her my Goddess and be extremely faithful to her ^^

2010-08-21T14:11:00.003+08:00

Gosh... I have something to admit to you Zanzan. Never have I been this desperate for an item.... What's the item I'm mentioning? It's an Ipod Touch... I don't know why but I really want it... i could just like literally beg everyone for it. I've pestered my mum from time to time bout it for years now and I've done the same to my dad too... I scared I might just one day turn to my friends and beg them for one instead...

Damn Naz... why am I having such a strong obsession over it... I thought if I leave it be, in time, I would not want it but.... it seems that that plan has clearly failed for me. My only option is to save my own pocket money.... I can't work due to time constrain. My family isn't financially stable too....

Honestly speaking, I know that this is the worst thing a brother can ever think of but I just feel like going to Kai and beg on all four for him to help me.... God... what has become of me... If you are reading this Kai, I'm terribly sorry... I just can't help it... I hope this will go away soon... I can never buy an Itouch... but why do I still have this stupid mindset...

2010-08-01T00:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was.... like the most depressing day for both of us.... why? Well... I've made her sad upset once again.... I didn't something that... most couples would do and I don't blame her for feeling like that.... Fault does goes to me, no matter the reason... no wonder some teachers and some relatives of mine sees me as someone really stupid, slow and a moron... but thats alright. Really. I know myself too well and I accept this fact of my side... There is one more side that many don't know and that is, I am a coward. Not physically but it's what I say is my strength which is words.

But, am I entirely that useless? Haha... look at me, asking you this kind of questions... Haha. Sorry Zanzan. sometimes a guy needs to say a few things out you know but in a neutral manner. Poor, average, stupid, enough and sick... this words rings in my mind... louder and louder as I become empty. Each time I look in the mirror, I see only a figure that hurts that one person and one that is of all talk and empty...

I feel so... lonely... so so lonely... and so cold... my warmth... I don't want it to fade away... I don't want to lose those warm hands that embraces me... please don't... please...

2010-07-18T22:47:00.002+08:00

Resting my head on my pillow, my mind begins to display you like a picture from my memory album. Closing my eyes, I try to rest but your sweet smile seems to linger in my mind. From just an image from my mind, you became my hallucination that is so perfect that I couldn't help but to stay awake as you sit beside me. Placing my head on your lap and stroke my hair, your smile and beautiful eyes calms me. With such soothing voice and gentle warmth, my eyes seems to close until they are fully shut. With my remaining consciousness, I whispered to you, "I love you baby."

Oyasumi baby~ Sleep well~

2010-07-11T22:06:00.002+08:00

Yosh! Was thinking of changing my blog skin and I've finally decided on one. For those who don't know what this character is, he is known as Shadow the Hedgehog. He has quite a dark past but I won't dwell on that here. I've been thinking of some new ideas for my story and I've been away from it for a very long time. Missed those adventures that I had with various characters. But I've come to realise that my story seems to take in too many aspects of real life emotions, thinking, events and behaviour but that's only natural because I want my story to be kinda like a reality kind of style.

Thinking bout that... We are all complex creatures. Even I sometimes don't understand certain things that is going around me. What confuses and interests me the most is the behaviour of most people. Pain, love, trust, experience and memories. This are the things that confuse and interest me all the time. What do I mean by this? I shall not explain it here. It's a complex subject and not many can accept my way of thinking or the way I put certain things.

Haha.. I guess that's it for the time being. Will be seeing you Zanzan.

2010-07-11T02:22:00.002+08:00

Don't really know what to speak of much for this few days uh. In general, things have been well for me uh. ^^ I need to congratulate baby on her wonderful achievement yesterday. You did great uh baby~! You've done everyone proud~ Hehe~

Ok then, I guess I'll stop here then uh. Be seeing ya!

2010-06-24T23:02:00.002+08:00

I am but just a vessel for my soul and yet, it is this vessel that faces, sees and feels the pain, the sorrow and the joy of this world. What is it's purpose and what is my purpose? Is it to help? To see? To seek? To pursue? To correct a past sin? To destroy one another? To heal those who are wounded or to just exist?

Perhaps I am blind. Perhaps I am oblivious to my surroundings. But I only knew one and that is to follow one own heart. It is like my eyes that see the inner world of the outside, realistic world of life. It is the very being that makes me different and as Naz that I am now and in the past. In my name, heart and soul, I swear an oath to stand by your side, Hime-sama. I am yours, as a companion, as a friend, as your faithful butler, as that someone special in your dearest heart and as your hubbie~ With this love and heart of mine, I'll be here and support you, my love. Through thick and thin.

With the post above, please don't be alarm. I mean no harm to anyone. It's just a thought that runs through my mind for severals years now, for the first portion I mean. As to my dear wifey, worry not baby~ I'll always be here for you even in times of need or during your hard times. Be it joy or sorrow, we'll share and and pour to each other. I'll be hear to support you, my princess.

You need not need to apologise to me baby. You did no wrong to me. Even if you did and I don't realise it until my princess comes to me and apologise, it's alright. For the fact that my princess is able to see and admits her mistakes, it's more than enough for me uh baby. To me, I don't deserve such words of apology from my baby. Not because it's to great that I can't forgive but it's because... I've hurt her many a times... do you think, I can be forgiven? But to my dearest, no matter what mistakes that may occur in the future or present, I will always forgive you for you have never meant to do it on purpose or for your own benefits. So for our side of the story, please don't feel bad. ^^ I'm yours remember? And yours alone.

With love,

I love you the most, baby~ ♥

2010-06-13T23:01:00.002+08:00

Honestly speaking, I don't really have much to tell you bout Zanzan. If I may, I want to talk a little bout streetfest. Honestly, I owe both of them more than just an apology, especially to wifey.. I owe her not only my oath but also, an action. I feel so bad and lost... I don't even know how to make it up to her. That day has scar her mind of what I did into her heart and mind... I ignored her most of the time and all were accidental but, there is no excuses for that. I feel like, I may be intelligent in somethin but I'm also retarded on the other... I failed to keep my promise and my apology.... God, even if I pray to you, will her pain go away? I don't want to be forgiven for that... I just don't feel that I deserve that forgiveness from her for this situation... I'm really sorry..

I'll take full responsibility and the blames upon myself. Even if things does get a bit difficult for the three of us, I deserve it. I can't be pardon from that sin that I've made. But, I'll try to do somethin to make her feel better even if it takes a long time.

Next, I would like to thank both my wife and Kaile for their countless prayers for me. I appreciate it a lot. Really really. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thanks. But... now I beginnin to wonder whether, do I realy deserve such kindness? I'm not doubtin any of you but I'm doubtin myself and my actions. Ah, pardon me for sayin such. Please don't be offended by that statement. I'm sorry...

Ah yes, before I end this convo of ours, may I share with you that my grandmother from m'sia have come over and resting here for the night? She brought along my gift, a laptop, as she once promised me. It great and I really appreciate it but... I still don't like her for all those things that she once done to my sis and mum before... forgive me grandmum... and thank you for the gift.

2010-05-31T01:08:00.002+08:00

You know Zanzan, there's a few reason why I want to be a free thinker, free from a certain rule. One of the few reasons is that, Iwant to love someone properly and to make that person feel appreciated and loved so much. You might be wonder how come I can't love someone fully if I'm tied to a certain religion. Well, it does in a way actually. This is just my views. Sometimes, I am not allowed to do or perform certain acts with my partner because of a certain boundary. Some might be not allowing to hold hands, hugging, kissing or even going out during a certain period of time.

I prefer to be doing such whenever I'm allowed to and comfortable with my partner. I want her to feel loved by me and feel that I giving my all to her and my attention to her too. I mean, not all religion rules are the same but, I prefer to be free to decide. For as long as it is safe and appropriate, its fine by me but nothing more than that. Those stuffs that are seriously meat for married couples, I'll stick to that belief. As for the rest, like, spending time and being affectionate towards one another, that, I be doing it.

Before I leave, this is for my dearest, no matter who you may be or what was your past, no matter what others says about you or what you view yourself as, you are as pure as a white fabric that can't be stain by any worldly object. In my eyes, you are still my pure and innocent lover. In my heart, I recognise you as the same person that I had fallen for before EOY. I love you, dear~ I love you~!

2010-05-22T23:08:00.002+08:00

Just droppin by for a while. Ain't gt much to speak about other than myself being a psp maniac again ^^ I'm fiddling with my psp system and makin it go to it's fullest gamin capabilities. Hehe. School wise, things are alright but I can't click well with alost everyone but that alright. Call me picky but, they are no where near someone I can even call friend. I guess I'll end it here for now ^^ be seeing ya~

2010-04-30T23:52:00.002+08:00

I've made a shame out of myself today in the bus when I was heading home. I teared inside bus... haish... You won't understand... I'm feeling so depressed and stressed out too... damn it... I won't explain myself to anyone for hey won't understand it, even you Zanzan. Plus, I may just ended up gettin scoldin or even laugh atif I were to tell anyone so yea... this is somethin that only I can understand and accept... gomenasai....

Lastly, I have to thank my friend for talkin to me on my fb posts for that person is usually the only one who, ever notice my emotional posts... oh well.. Thanks friend :D

2010-04-26T22:17:00.002+08:00

Your confidence does not lay in your looks dear. Don't depend on your looks for confidence. Self confidence is not based on outer looks. Confidence comes from within. Deep within you, dear. I am attracted to you not just because of your beauty alone. I have fallen for the person deep inside you. I have fallen for the Ong Jin that I knew through the phone, blog, msn, EOY and also, the person that I'm sharing my life with.

Ong Jin, my dearest wife, I love you and everything about you. We've made promises with our tears, time, words and hearts. I will enforce it in my part with my actions and effort. Even if times becomes tough for us, I will not leave your side unless you ask me to. I need you by my side as much I want to spend my time with you. Hime-sama, I love you~

2010-04-14T00:21:00.002+08:00

Yosh~ Second day has pass by and everythin seems to be goin quite well for me. I do prefer to be in Poly but I don't really mind studyin in Higher Nitec since the new facility in CCK seems to be as up to standard with other polys too so yea plus the people aroud me gave me their support too. I really appreciate it a lot especially from Her royal highness~ XD Thank you dear~!

For school wise, so far I've gotten to know 3 classmates and I seem to be well with them. 2 guys and one girl. I only know and remember the guy's names while I didn't remember the girl's name but oh well. They are nice people from how things are goin currently and they thought I'm the 2nd youngest between the three guys... haish... some more kena labelled as the gadget boy due to my headphone (Athena), phone and my mp3. Hehe. Trademark since Secondary school! Oh ya... the bad thing is... got two of them that likes to play with my hair... and one guy keep sayin I look like one of his Scondary school friend with the same face and movement except for the hair...

Oh well. Bump onto Ming Cang and Kai today. Talked to them for a little while and boy am I glad to know Ming is studyin there too. At least there's one more familiar face to chat to once in a while and catch up. And lastly, I changed phone already uh, Zanzan. I've changed to Omnia II. It's good. Liked it alot. Been waitin for it for a year plus and finally able to buy it with a little help from my mum (so kind [rare chance of happening]). Thanks mum!

And thus, this Butler shall make his leave for the time being and return on a different day. And to my lady, a thousand nights and a thoussand days, I miss you, Hime-sama~

2010-04-08T21:50:00.002+08:00

Things are slightly better now between me and Ong Jin. I really regretted all those things that I've done and I don't want to repeat them ever again. Things nearly ended in a bad way but I am grateful to her for giving me another chance to make amendments and repent... I'm sorry dear...

I really love her so much so that the hought of her no longer in my life shakes me to the core and fear clutchin my heart... She is like the pillar that supports me in my good and bad times. She's one of the few people who can calm my stress level down quick with just her voice and comfort (and maybe once in a while, her pinches and verbal bully yet gentle manner). She's a princess in my eyes and heart who rules over me with love and kindness.

I would like to thank those whom were involved and apologies for the trouble I've caused you all. Really sorry.. I appreciated all the help and advice. And to you my dear, thanks for givin me that extra push every time I'm stuck and guidance when I'm lost. Thank you dear~

2010-04-07T03:44:00.002+08:00

A butterfly, flying high and low in the green meadow,

In search of a beautiful flower with a sweet scent of nectar.
Gliding through the current of air, it glides towards it.

Little dark shadows of clouds dance upon the meadow,
Signalling the signs of rain that is to come.

Fly, fly, little one, as it's little will strives this insect forward.
From dancing shadows, a fleet of endless dark shadow cast upon the field.

Beautiful as it seems from afar, only it's sweet scent guide the insect.
Drip, drip, drip. Raindrops falls upon it's fragile wings.
Heavy and drenched, it rest on the muddy soil.
With the fading scent, it crawls towards the flower.

Drip, drip, drip. It rests on the stalk with wings soak in drops of water.
Drip, drip, drip. The colour on it's wings fades as the water washes it way.
Sad as it seems, it's picture of joy fades by the drips.

Cracks of light breaks through the rainy clouds,
With heat and light, it shines the meadow.
Drying the drenched wings, it cracks and wither away like a fallen petal...
Such is the fate of a wondering insect...

Just a simple poem that doesn't really sound like one. Oh well... It's 6.05AM now and I haven't sleep yet. I wonder how she is doing right now.... I this feel extremely bad though... I guess that worried and scared side of me is what keeping me awake. It's alright. It's only right that I don't sleep either since it is my fault to begin. Walked out of my mum's rooom just now she's the first to ask how ome I'm not asleep yet and is keeping me awake but I didn't tell her much. Just said I can't seem to sleep. That's all...

I think I should switch off my pc for the least to cool it off... I hope she's alright too... I'll be awake still so don't worry.. Byebye..

2010-04-07T00:19:00.002+08:00

God... What have I done to hurt... Please forgve me God... I'm really sorry! No... It's not God's forgiveness that matters to me most... It's her forgive that matters to me.. Yes. It's her forgiveness... I'm really sorry.. I do not know of any other way to make you feel better at this moment... nor can I do anything to clear things up if there is anything that needs me to explain further...

I'm shivering inside out so much now. My sis assumes that its the result of hunger but I'm not hungry.. Hunger is not what that causing me to shiver... It's my fears... I'm afraid of lossin someone I love so dearly... I'm afraid of the consequences... What will happen tomorrow.. what will happen the day after... I'm so afraid... I... I...

why am i only able to cry and shiver at this point of time? why can't i do even a different thing to make things better... why arms.. why? why are you shiverin and only that..? I'm so worried and so scared.... oh no... please forgive me! I so sorry...

I really love her.. I do not want to lose her... she's the reason why I am strong. She's the reason I am smiling, full of joy and being able to there for everyone like my group and includin Kai. She's been supportin me all this while... I really appreciate it alot. More than words, I want to show her that I really appreciate her.. and forgettin you God, for blessin me with the opportunity to meet with someone as wonderful as her.

I feel so wrong and guilty... why did I do that... why must have I be so stupid and to have hurt her so much... I don't want to lose her... never have I ever wish to hurt her at any time... I rather lose everythin else than to lose her... I'm so sorry..... will I be given a second chance? I know it's very rude of me to be sayin and askin such especially after what i had done... But it's just..just that...

I'm not sure if it's even alright for me to be sayin this to her but... I really love you.. Deep within my heart, my soul and my conscious, I love you. I want to do somethin to make things better and not leave it as it is... I feel so... so... so useless and helpless... I'm really really.. really sorry dear...

2010-04-05T01:51:00.002+08:00

Yo~ Back. Damn sien right now... can't sleep either. Not really sleepy either. Just messaged the two guys and it seems that one will be able to make it. *sigh* kena lecture abit some more... It not that I'm not being honest to myself, Kai. I am but I don't wanna make others sad you know so I'll just accept it. You know me. Hehe. Stubborn when it comes to makin others smile ^^ even if it does make me a little sad but that's alright. Seeing a smile do heal me, even if it does it slowly. Oh well...

Before I make my leave, for those Digimon fans out there, there will be a new Digimon game to be release in July 1 but it will bein Japanese. Hehe~ Digimon Story: Lost Evolution. I pray that this game doesn't get cancel because I've been hoping for a new Digimon game once every year at least. Digimon~!

Oyasumi.... With the stars glitters the midnight sky, the night lays quiet and silent. So does my eyes and lips... Goodnight~

2010-04-02T23:56:00.003+08:00

For the past 3 days, my body hasn't been feeling rather good lately. Had a slight fever for the first day but now I'm only left with runny nose and (depressed) kind of bad feelin in my throat that makes me feel a little discomfort when talkin and makes me think I sound bad... D:

My voice is very important to me. It's like, my only outer points because I don't have that looks other than a nice voice... *sigh* oh well... I mustn't be depressed about that over here or else those people that I've tried to motivate will look down on e and find me bad. -_-' yare yare...

And my cold keeps givin me problems... damn it.. If I may say this once again, I miss her, dearly... Day and night I hope to see her but that's alright. For as long.. as my hair is still remainin curly, I don't think I'll be able any time soon. T3T But that's alright. I don't want her to be stress out with my hair either so yea... If that's the best, I'll just patiently wait... haish...

2010-03-25T00:11:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry... I'm really really sorry... I hope that things will not be bad after what I typed ad said... oh please oh please... I'm really sorry...

I'm a little angry and upset right now... and yes, I'm tearing too... it's a good thing my sis is already asleep. I'm not angry bout that matter anymore. It's bout something else... It's just sad that I can't say somethin out. It's just that I don't want somethings to go bad or hurt some people. That's alright... I'm... used to this kind of pain...

And for the fucking perverts out there that can't seem to help but look at females with revealin clothing, please, keep your comments and thoughts to yourself please.

I hate it when guys can only appreciate or like a girl when she's revealin herself a little and ignore or give bad comments when she's covered, wearin normal or formal or not to most guys lustful desires...

I got two words for ya all, FUCK YOU. -_- -'-

2010-03-22T19:44:00.000+08:00

2010-03-22T01:21:00.002+08:00

-_- -'- fuck... being a nice guy doesn't really pay much huh... We, nice people, are hardly ever been appreciated verbally or physically as compared to those idiots. Them makes others angry, pissed off or tear and others will cry, plead or do anythin to have them back just because they are their friend whereas people like us, are hardly any much of a trouble and so I feel neglected when I see or here this crap.

It's like we do good but we don't see others doing such as wantin us around much as compared to those who hurt others more and having others calling them back and apologisin to the aggressor... WTF... -_- -'- ths world has gone blind... or should I say, the people in it... Haha, worry not, you won't understand this side of me Zanzan. Not even Kai does understand it fully. I just feel that, bad is better than good. Bad people is more important than good people...

Ah... let's not bother bout this... let me drown myself in MUCC's music and pokemon...

2010-03-13T00:09:00.002+08:00

God, please protect my dearest while she is sleeping tonight. Please keep her safe, both in mind and body. And please God, please protect and strenghten our love. See us through this dark times and guide us out of this darkness. Amin.

2010-03-12T03:25:00.002+08:00

Hehehe! Wonderin why I'm still awake at this point of time? Worry not. I just can't sleep. Thats all. Been thinkin bout Dear uh. I'm worried for her piano exams later on in the afternoon. I hope and pray that she'll excel in her examination later on uh.

God, please hear my prayers. Calm and ease her mind to allow her to be more focus for the exams and please, let her ace this piano examination.

Alright then. I think I'll stop here uh. I don't wanna keep you awake for too long. Oyasumi nasai~

2010-03-10T23:31:00.002+08:00

Befor I end the night, I would like to apologise for what I said early and I'm truely grateful and happy to have known her and to have someone like her with me and to have her as my special person. Truely, I am.

You are like a single rose that blooms with every rainbow that forms in the clear blue sky.

Thank you dear~ Hehe~! It's been so long since I last hear it but it heals and soothes me upon hearin those words of heart. *Sugar rush*

Alrightou! I shall stop here then. Thank you for your time to listen to me Zanzan. Really appreciated it. Really lookin forward to seein you soon~ I shall pray for your well-being for the time being. Oyasumi nasai~!

2010-03-10T17:20:00.002+08:00

Haish.... I miss her so much.. I love her so much too and I really want to see her again but i seems the time for me to meet her isn't there yt though she's been home quite a number of times already but that's alright... Maybe I'm thinkin too much but it seems.. like... she doesn't miss me but I guess that's alright too. I mean, hey, who miss a guy like me right? I know I shouldn't say somethin like this so much but.. i really want to see her again...

You are the only person that I can say somethin like this (Zanzan) because... you are the only one that won't be affected by in positively or negatively. The rest, can't. Don't want to bother them plus it's not nice for me to say this to her too... oh well... Oh ya, and my tummy still hurts from the punchin blows that I receive yesterday.... owww....

2010-03-09T23:20:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling so scared... worried... and insecure... and my chest, stomach and right hand hurts a little but that will recover soon.

That's all for now. I lazy to talk....

2010-02-27T23:43:00.001+08:00

I feel so tired... I yearn for a long rest. Maybe, an eternal slumber will do me great and to others too... so so damn tired...

2010-02-22T23:51:00.002+08:00

From tomorrow onwards I shall be officially 19. Waa~~ Okok. I winder what will happen later tomorrow... Hmm... Ah~ Oh well~ ^^ Just hope no bashin coz if there is, those who participate will definitely regret it. Hehehehehe!!

Btw, you guys don't have to get me anythi at all if I can say that again. Not expectin anythin at all either. And er... thanks dear for the time spent together this afternoon~ I really appreciated it and I'll take it as a gift. No, wait... you are the gift. One of the best gift God has ever given me. Thank you Yuki for the time~

Aishiteru~

Byebye Zanzan~!

2010-02-20T22:11:00.002+08:00

*placin my two fingers, index and middle finger, togeher and salute* YOSH!! ZANZAN!! Just droppin by after a long time. Don't worry, I'm not goin to say anythin bad because there's none that I didn't solve. It's all bout the mindset~ But at times, I must admit, it takes a lot, if not tonnes, of effort and mental power to over come them.

Anyway, I just found an old game that I have which is on PS1 and it's original by the way so don't anyhow say I don't suppot it ah! It's a game called Wild Arms 2nd Ignition or also known as Wild Arms 2. It's a great RPG to me. 2nd to the Final Fantasy titles. I'm playin it all over again I I really like the storyline too plus the awesome soundtracks. I manage to obtain the whole OST too though... that one is I didn't buy... gomen gomen... but the soundtrack sounds way awesome than the one in the game! I guess it must be due to the compression and the data format uh. Hehehe~

Ehto... 3 more days... I wonder who can remember without even lookin at my facebook profile... hmm... Hehehe~ Even my sis can't remember it until she looks at the calender. But I do believe there is a few who can remember. Please, for those plannin to get me anythin, you guys don't have to. Havin you guys around is more than enough ^^

Thanks for hearin me out Zanzan! I'm gonna leave for now. See you next time~!

2010-02-14T23:36:00.002+08:00

Just pissed off my sis wih my annoyin singin and now she's off to sleep~ XD Now wouldn't be a good time to talk coz my voice sounds a mix of blocked nose and a little bit of not interested or angry but just a bit.

Been drinkin milk for nearly a week now and I've drank like 5 cups a day... I feel like I might just grow a pair sooner or later. Kiddin kiddin!! I think I'll make my leave now zanzan. Byebye~!

2010-02-08T17:43:00.004+08:00

I suck man... I totally suck to the core... How could I be so dumb and so selfish to have taken away the smile and joy of someone away... I totally useless... So much for lovin the person so much... I ended up upsettin her with my sad voice... baka naz.. baka naz...If there is one thing that I am good being at, that will be being an idiot, a jerk and asshole...

God, please forgive for what I've done... I didn't mean it at all... I really love her... please forgive me dear... PLease forgive me too God... I guess I've let my emotions and mind clouded me again... I'm really sorry... I'm such an idiot... stupid naz...

2010-02-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

Heed not the words that I am bout to say. Please. Fuck it!

Just fuck it... Stop torturin yourself please..

But I can't help it. It just comes to me and there's nothin I can do bout it...

I'm growin tired over almost everythin that revolves around me and my mind...

The shits and the craps that I see each day, hear one after another, the pain, the griefs...

I may be smilin in the outside but some do know that I just simply hidin somethin deep inside...

And Even if I do look sad, deep down inside, none of my expression can surpass that emotion that I feel...

Or maybe it's just that I am just plain stressed over stuff... or the fact that I jst can't forgive myself over some stuff or maybe other stuff... I just don't know... I'm stressed out over many things. I got noone to tell it too. Really really... It's only that I don't want to, it's also because I can't. It will affect some of them and I don't want that... Haha... screw me right? That'swhy I always turn to you, Zanzan, to pour my feelings, stress and sadness out because you are the only one who won't be affected by it at all. Thanks Zanzan...

The stronger I become, the crazier I get or should I say that I become more stressed out. Like a stone that has withstand the flaming heat of the sun and strenghtenin itself with a coat of diamond to be tougher but after doing so, it toss itself into the blazing heat and flowing river of lava... Well, basically, I'm feeling like this because of myself. I just don't understand why I have this side that likes to dampen my ownself...

Maybe it's because most people are doin to that to me since I was young... My mum, dad, relatives, friends and even strangers too... I can take in so much physically but I can only take in this much mentally... I may sound alright verbally but inside, I'm shaking... Now that I come to think of it, I feel like a girl suddenly. So sensative inside... but then, guys are stronger inside too. Oh well...

I just need some words of comfort... a hug... words of assurance... but I know, that's being too demandin and thus, I always, always and always keep smilin and assurin others that I am find and tellin them all that I understand their situation and I really do. It's just that, I can be like this but almost none can do the same to me... Everythin needs time right? Uhuh... I know... That's why I'm keepin quiet from the group too. Givin myself a time out. I'm not angry or upset at either one of them either so don't worry. They all havin exams so can't really talk much and such...

I guess I should apologies to everyone tomorrow too... And for now, I must apologies to you Zanzan. I'm sorry to let you hear all this. I should thank you too for takin your time hearin me out. Thanks~ And for those reading this, please, please, please. I beg you all, not to be affectted by this alright? I'll feel bad if either of you feels that way... I may or may not explain things further if you ask me for I wish to keep it to myself because there's too much in me that I have been hidin... Gomen ne... everyone...

Byebye.....

2010-02-03T01:32:00.002+08:00

Before I take my rest for tonight, God, please hear out my today's prayers and heals the wounds in the heart of those people that I cared for so much. Onegai~ Please God. And if I am, please let me live to see tomorrow, the day after, the week after, a year after and if possible, until all of my friends have found their happiness, so that I can live to love and care for my dearest, Yuki once again and more with each passing moment. Grant me that wonderful opportunity to love her God. Just as how you once show me through my actions. AMEN!

And to my dearest, all the best for today's rehearsal~!

2010-01-28T00:55:00.003+08:00

Followin the breeze of the night, my mind dances in the wind.
With the flowing thoughts of mine, I still feel lonely...
leaning back on this chair, I gaze upon the sky for the missing stars,
Empty as it may seem, only clouds in the night sky greets me with a cold breeze...

Am I... living in a dream? Why am I feeling this way... I am feeling lonely... and I am missin that piece too... I won't ask for it to be filled but... It seems I in need of a touch of some reassurance... any would do... a voice of comfort, a touch of gentleness or even a.... i'm sorry Zanzan. Once in a while, I do tend to feel this way but I'll be alright. It just seem that I'm a little lost somewhere. But I'll be alright. My heart will guide me for my blinded eyes...

Ne... I miss you uh...

2010-01-26T00:39:00.002+08:00

Yo Zanzan! Just wanna do a quick update that my PC's OS has now changed to Windows 7 and everything seems great. Just that I need to get used to the layouts and such. Oh! I needed to reinstall almost all of my drivers and not to mention some losses of important data... sheesh...

Alright alright. I'll stop here for the night. Not really in the mood to chat also. *sigh* maybe it's because I suck in many ways... *sigh* I wonder... Oh never mind ^^ I'll keep that to myself. Byebye...

2010-01-19T17:29:00.002+08:00

God, if it is not so much for me to ask, please protect my dearest and her family. Please keep them strong and close to one another. Strengthen their bond and their hearts. And please keep my dearest safe and happy. Thank you... Amen.

2010-01-17T22:21:00.002+08:00

Kuso! Chest cramp!! Owwwwww!! Hehe... I overdid my push ups uh. Hehe ^^ Was er... little upset just now so I pump everythin into one shot burst of push ups but for a few sets. Seriously... now I can't move my arms much coz if my chest stretch a bit, I can feel a little pain uh. Hehe. But I'll be alright.

Ah damn... my head feels dizzy and I kinda feel like knockin out too... damn... I guess I am no longer really that strong as I once was huh Zanzan? Hahaha... What to do? I rather not be bothered by it coz I believe I'll be fine for as long as I limit myself yea? Hehe.. If only I was stronger... stronger than I once was too... haish...

Ok la, I'll end here for now. I don't wanna go on for a while coz there are still some things in my idiotic mind. Haha... But before I go, Zanzan, do you think it's possible for someone like me to be a being that bears wings? Like an angel? Or maybe like Angeal from FF VII Crsis Core? Hehehe... I thought so too Zanzan... someone like me doesn't deserve such gifts or divine features even if I happen to be the nicest guy within my generation.... Gomen...nasai...

2010-01-17T11:54:00.002+08:00

I want to thank you dear for your prayers. In return, I shall pray even harder and do my best. Dear God, please protect my dearest and give her the strength through this hard times. Amen! And for my part, I'll be there whenever she needs me. That is all I can do fo he time being... OK. Back to my training again! Hehe. Byebye Zanzan!

2010-01-12T21:57:00.002+08:00

I'm still kinda lost and confused... oh wait, yosh Zanzan... Ah sorry sorry... pardon me for my tone. I'm currently a little sad deep inside... but worry not... I should be fine if noone bothers me for the time being... god... even missing someone can be a difficult situation at times...

I've decided on somethin, I'm not going to comsume my pills for the time being for now. See it as a way of punishin myself for those things I subconciously say or do that hurts some people... Ahahaha.. I feel like I'm goin insane slowly and silently. I... feel... feel ashame of myself for some reason though I don't know what it is... and yes, indeed, I am a coward too but for myself to be that, I'm taking care not to hurt people's feelings and heart due to my own selfish doings and thus, I choose to keep quiet and running.

Actually, I don't even reallyknow why I'm sayin all this. I'm not even directing this to anyone. Honest! Uhuh... Just that, I've been keepin this feelin inside me and it overflowin so I have noone that I can pour to without seeing or hearin me in this pathetic state of a man I can be plus... If I'm goin to share to someone, I prefer to be physically present with the person and thus, I hardly share my problems to anyone ^^

My head... kuso... I'll be fine. I'll be fine... you ought not to worry so much for me. There are others who are more important and if not, sooner or later when you are closer to someone else or meet new people, I'll be somewhere wonderin in the corner of your minds. No matter how good, helpful and nice I may be, I won't be those that stays for long for most people because I only have one good quality that matches up to a companion level... For one has already done so but it matters not much. I'm well aware of it...

*Takes a deep breathe* I must stop here before I go on and annoy anyone. But remember, I'm only sharing this with no intention of shootin anyone at all. Some are from the past that I have been storin for a long time so yea. In a later time, none of this will ever matter when it's all up... Ahahaha... I'm pathetic as always... tears rolling again... haha.. I miss you still but it's alright that I am not able to see or that you do not want to see me. I understand ^^

Zanzan, take care of yourself and send my regards to those who visits you. Byebye~

2010-01-12T00:20:00.002+08:00

I pray and hope that my dearest will remain strong as she face some stressful situation especially with one of our mischiveous son. Stay strong dear~! I'll be here to help you, comfort and to ease you when you are stressed out, dear.

Before I end the night, I just want to tell you, deep within me, I love you and will continue to love you till the flowing river of my heart is frozen by the last drop of a grain of sand in a romance, sands of time.

Aishiteru, Yuki~

2010-01-11T11:22:00.002+08:00

Before I make my leave for school and start my day, God, please hear my prayers and protect my dearest's family, safe from any form of harm. Please... And if possible, make her day today a wonderful day~ Amen.

2010-01-10T22:20:00.002+08:00

God... the pain is startin to be more frequent now... had it again while on my way back from meetin Sai they all and I kind of embarassed myself in the bus... I accidentally teared in the bus without myself realisin it until one passenger who was sittin beside handed me a piece of tissue to wipe off the tears off my face...

I thanked the person and just told the person that it might have been the dust or maybe my eyes were too dry and the person just accepted it without further questionin me... BUt the actual reason may not have been just the pain in my head... Could be the song I was listenin to and the image that I was imaginin in my mind. What they may be, I'll tell you personally and not here ^^ It's ok. Please don't worry bout me~ I'll be fine. If everythin goes wll, the pan will not exist for long ^^ But still....

I think I'll stop here Zanzan. Now now! Don't worry bout me. I'll be fine~ Idiots are well-known to survive even in the most extreme situation! Hehe!! Kiddin kiddin! Too much cartoon and comedy anime~ Hehe~ Byebye~

2010-01-09T21:32:00.002+08:00

At times, things do happen too fast don't they? Haha... It's alright ^^ Just ignore what I just mention please~ Hehe...

I really cannot tahan this pain already man... The pain is startin to become more and more unbearable... sheesh... and it still on the early side. Damn... And some what, I do feel like blacking out but I can't afford that coz there is noone at home and don't want to trouble anyone either. Like no point la tryin to help an idiot like me ^^

Some times I wonder... why must I be like the current person I am right now. I know I am good at heart wise but other than that, I'm as bad as everyone else. For example, no more how good I am, due to who I am, everyone thinks lowly of me and that I am like a typical Mat out there. I've tried to be the nice boy, walk like a soft guy and even watch what I say and behave but still, I'm being group under that section...

I won't blame anyone if they think it that way ^^ really really. Just that I have to bear with this a little longer. That's all... How I wish I was more fair... like my chinese friends, better in terms of looks like Syed, Yat and Sai... and much much more... I only one good thing in me and that is my heart alone. I'm kind and helpful but... is that really enough Zanzan? But I shouldn't be sayin such to you coz you are some what in a worst state because you are always alone in the cyberspace...

Zanzan... I've been tearing for quite a long time now. Both because of this extreme pain in my head and kind of the shock that my heart felt but I'll be alright ^^ I don't wanna stress anyone plus I don't want to make any matter worst due to my own fault. Uhuh. I think I want to stop taking my meds too because it's like not working after a while so yea.

But after all this, I hope I can still laugh as the I once was went my time comes. So for now, I shall be that person like a guardian. A promise is a promise so I'll be here for you, always. Until the time comes whereby you no longer need me or there is osmeone else in your hearts and minds.

Byebye....

2010-01-07T23:55:00.003+08:00

Hey Zanzan! I'm currently thinkin of the continuation for my story now and there's some progress but it's though comin up with new ideas especially now that I have to focus on Kai's character as he will be this time's main character. You remember the "War of the Void"? My rough idea is that there will be another battle taing place on the other dimension startin from one ancient race that I had created in my story. Due to the shiftin of power after the "War of the Void", many worlds have to rebuild their power and strenght back and not to mention, those areas that were heavily affected like minds and soul.

But there will be a new group of villains who will raise and seize this opportunity to consume the different dimension and worlds and Kai will be part of them. Why and how? I won't tell you just yet but through this, his curse will be lifted. That's all I can share bout my current story so yea. I'm really lookin forward to the White Shining Knights and their irritatin silence and cool looks plus that irritatin shining sound effects if you were to talk to them... But still, they are awesome! Whether are they evil or good, wait till next time!

Byebye~!

2010-01-06T22:38:00.002+08:00

You know Zanzan, if have not been playin a particular game for 6 years, your skill will total be gone. I'm playin this ancient game called "Bio-Hazard Battle". I used to play this game with my grandfather and we both use to come up with different strategies to defeat each bosses and to keep the most credits and lives. Damn fun! But now I'm like a total newbie but I'm gettin the hang of it back. Plus I'm tryin to remember back those moves and tricks that both of us discover ourselves ^^

On my last note. I'm beginning to miss someone so much already~ Ohhhh... hehe~ I wish and hope that I can really prove to her my sincere feelings. I hope, I'll succeed in that ^^
I really miss you dear....

2010-01-05T23:36:00.002+08:00

Oh! If I may share with you somethin a little bit more Zanzan, I'm not sure why but I have this fear clinging onto my heart at this very moment. I'm not sure why. It could be because of the sudden head pain or it might be because my dear suddenly doesn't seem to be in a good mood today on msn. I won't push on for now. Can I don't take my meds? Hai hai... I think I'm goin to throw up first before I take my meds... Oh my head....

2010-01-05T23:33:00.002+08:00

I've finally changed my blogskin as how my dear wants me to but gomen... for using hide as my blogskin. Hehe~ Didn't know what to choose for Zanzan and since we both do like hide's music so we both decided on this ^^ okok. I'll stop here for now uh. My head hurts terribly bad once again but I gotta act like I'm fine. Don't want my sis or anyone else to worry bout me unnecessarily. Farewell friend~

2010-01-03T03:31:00.002+08:00

You know... I nearly forgot my illness. You know, the one that is inside my head? Yea, thats the one. I guess I was too comfortable with my surroundings but I'm glad I've remembered it. At least I can do somethin bout it in the near future. Hehe~ At least now my dearest has know bout it and I must admit, it does pains me to hear her sad voice but it's better for her to know bout my illness than to leave someone I really care for in the dark. Don't worry, I'll go for the opt when I am ready ^^

With that, I shall end it here for tonight. Goodbye and take care, Zanzan..

2010-01-02T02:11:00.002+08:00

Yosh Zanzan~! How have you been? *yawn* It's 2.16am right now but that's ok... Not really that tired. Once I'm done with some stuffs I'll get some sleep. Hehe~ OH! Before I forget, Zanzan, A new year to you, friend! Hehe! So what's your new year resolution? Keepin it as a secret eh? Okok... Me? Well... I'm not sure whether can this be considered as a resolution but here it goes;

I want to be a hero, a good friend, the best person that I can be and perhaps, a special person?

Well, that's my resolution~ ^^ Summarised~ Hehe~

I just hope that I'm not being too hard on anyone, especially to my dearest. If I am, I'm really sorry guys~! Don't ask me why I suddenly go to my apologitic mode because I'm not really sure myself, Zanzan. I do feel bad at times so I want to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone that I may have done wrong. Even a pineapple can make mistakes you know~ Like maybe growin in the wrong part of a farm? Hehe! Kiddin kiddin!

OH! Zanzan! Did I tell you that I have two sons now?! HEHEHE!! EH?! Don't anyhow think Zanzan! I'm innocent! I'll tell you more next time uh, if I'm given the opportunity to. Hehe... I wonder how my dearest is doing right now... things seems to be rather hard on her but I'll do my best to be there for her. That's what a pineapple and a baka like me can do and best at~ Hehe~ Miss her so much alreadie...

Before I end this post, if you think that you are all alone in this world, look deep inside you, you may just find someone that cares and willin to accompany you through the road that lies beneath the darkness of life. If you feel that nothing else matters, please, look through your heart once more. There may just be someone there for you. May it be a friend, family, mentor, someone special or just a plain old idiotic pineapple like me ^^v. Either way, I will always be here, hopefully in your heart and mind. To my dearest, gomen ne and love you from deep within my heart and soul. I shall cherish you, forever.

2009-12-27T22:07:00.002+08:00

Yosh Zanzan! Hehe! Thought of droppin by yesterday and chat with ya but was too tired. Hehehe... Gomen gomen.. Okok. I went to EOY yesterday. The event itself was rather disappointin especially the location where the event took place. It's small in my opinion and when the place is packed with people... you can imagine how hard it was for me and Orange to walk around. Oh ya, I went there with Orange too! Hehe~ I'll get to that later. The only thing that I like bout the venue was the Theatre hall, if I remember correctly or was it called the auditorium... hmm... oh well! But to me, that's the best area of all for the event wise. But overall for the event, it wasn't very great. I still prefer a larger space like EXPO that kind. Hehe~

But to me, the best part of the whole would be the time spent with Orange~ Thank you Orange~! Sincerely, thank you so much ^^ Had fun readin books bout Mythology and some History books in the Library. Really lookin forward to the next time that I can meet Orange again. Pineapple misses Orange alot uh~ Hehe~ Gomen gomen~! ACK?! It's 3.35AM now... Okok... I'll stop here for now~ Byebye~!

2009-12-22T23:22:00.002+08:00

I'm like, stonin right now on my pc table? So bored and hungry and yet, I don't seem to wanna eat. But that's ok. OH! I've found my DS charger! Finally~ It was my mum who found it. It was in her room stuck somewhere among the stacks of boxes and all the while I thought it was lost somewhere in my sis room - -' She's fully charged and ready to play with me~ Hehe~ My DS is a female too! I have not found out her name yet but maybe soon my DS will open up to me like my headphones? I hope so~ ^^

2 more days~ Weeeeee~~~~ Thach is comin back to Singapore tomorrow mornin too! If you were to notice, a lot of things happens on my number, 23. Hehe... Ah crap... I'm startin to remember bout my illness... - -' sheesh... why the sudden come back of this thought man.. Oh well~ I guess I'll stop here. Take care Zanzan~! Byebye~

2009-12-21T13:13:00.004+08:00

Yosh! I've finally got my hands on Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor OST! Hehehehe! The game is great too! For those with DS, do try it. It's great and fun too. Where have you gone to? Why have you been missin for 2 weeks? Why DS charger? Why? I've been searchin for my DS charger and up till now I still can't find it yet... sheesh... don't tell me the charger is currently merajuk with me... *Switch to next song* Hehe! You know Miss Yuki? I've gotten to know her. She's a nice person. It's been fun talkin to her ^^.

3 MORE DAYS TO THE BIRTHDAY OUTING!!!! YES AH!! I shall wait patiently...

2009-12-15T23:34:00.002+08:00

Zanzan... I don't feel so good... My fever is comin back and this seriously worries me a lot... I feel like someone who is dyin. I know I know. I shudn't speak in such manner but this matter does worries me. I'll be takin my meds later on soon. *phew* It's so difficult to type. I think that's all for now Zanzan... gomen gomen. See ya.

2009-12-13T00:44:00.002+08:00

Yosh! Zanzan! How are you? Great I hope. Today I had fun uh! Went swimmin with CK and WJ and went to have my dinner with Sai and Yat at harbourfront. It's been a fun day yet tirin too. Well... not really suppose to be tirin for me coz I just float around but still, I'm feelin that fatigue somehow. Hehe~ Oh! I had an unexpected call from Kai and he is like currently in Cambodia right now. He just called to check up on me - -' I mean, thats great but for anyone to call me to just check up on me I find it like I've troubled them. Thanked him too. For the time being, I shudn't stress him out with my head so I'll just say a few things only once in a while.

*Psst psst* Zanzan, someone callin you cute eh! Hehe~ Smile a little friend~ I'll think I'll stop here. Body feelin really tired somehow. Hehe~ Byebye~

2009-12-12T02:30:00.002+08:00

Ehoh~ I'm back~ Currently listenin to Pink Spider and Pose by Hide with Spread Beaver. Yuppu. It's Hide from X Japan. I like the meanin behind the lyrics, Pink Spider and his style of singin it out. I like the piano part for Pose too. Hehe! But... it's saddens me that he is no longer here... only his memories and his songs are left with everyone who knows of him...

I'm so damn hungry right now~ Got nothin much to eat uh. Oh well. What to do? Hehe.. I threw away quite a number of my meds away and I know that is suicidal but hey, they are just normal meds like cough syrup, fever pills and some for my head but the important ones I have not throw them yet. But I'm sure I'm goin to regret this big time sooner or later... Hehe! I'll be alright. It's just some head pain that can be very unbearable. I'm gonna keep my hair long once again and straighten it. Just something random, Canon EOS 7D and Canon EOS 500D has captured my attention. Hopin to get either one of them by the end of next year.

PINK SPIDER!! Hehe~ Got the song stuck in my headphone and my heart. That's all for tonight. Sayouanara and goodnight~

2009-12-11T10:34:00.002+08:00

There's so much anger flowin in me right now Zanzan... I feel like makin my own mark on the wall like wad I did to my previous house but my mum had warn me on the first day that this house walls is old so the result can be quite bad. I can't even sing my heart out... damn it... And Athena is like bitin on my ears right now. Hehe.. Think bcoz I've been wearin her for too long but hey, her voice is nice. A little good news for you Zanzan, I'm recoverin from my coughin now. Soon, I'll be able to drink cold soon~ At least that will make my everyday feels a little better... Gah... this anger is seriously drivin me nuts... I'll chat with you again later in the night Zanzan. Byebye~

2009-12-08T22:38:00.002+08:00

Sittin back on my chair right now, I'm thinkin, is my time goin to go up soon? Nah, it's just a thought. Most probably due to myself being sick so often. The coughin is still here. I just don't no for how long more will I be sick. At around 6+pm today, after I woke up from my short nap, I began to cough like usual but there's a slight difference this time. There's blood on my palm when I coughin at that point of time but now no more. It's only for a few seconds but my throat is still sore after that hard cough. Sheesh... seriously, wads wrong with my body man... takin care and not is like the same to me. Or maybe, I'm not sick because I'm not takin care of myself. Maybe it's because I'm thinkin too much but of wad? That's my question.

Until now my parents are still not back yet and I'm starvin~ hehe. Tomorrow checkup... Feelin a little scared of coz. Soo hungry~~ Why don't I cook somethin for myself you ask? Well, I'm lackin ingredient and if I do cook, it may not be that good for my body for the time being. I no! There's bread! That will do for now. Alrightou~ Gotta go! Byebye~

2009-12-08T01:54:00.002+08:00

Look at the time! It's 2AM alreadie~! Hehe!! Worry not. I'll be sleepin so don't worry. Currently listenin to "Chikai" by Jealkb. A few of their songs are favourite. Wait... only two only hehe.. gomen gomen~ One thing I salute them about is that they are a band of jokers too. I mean, they are actually comedians initially. Nice right? Hehe! I gotta work on my skills to make others laugh. Yea! If Kai was here, I think he might be like, "You never stop to push yourself". Well, that's me I guess? The only thing I do know bout myself is that I always try to help others who are close to me and keep improvin myself in everythin that I do. Hmm... If I were to remember properly... I think someone once told me to stop doin that. Meanin, the part whereby I keep pushin myself non-stop but is that harmful, meh?

Hehe! But I doubt the person even remember sayin that unless I bump onto him again or somethin. Thinkin back, one of my friend even said that he shud stay away from me coz I am like a walkin signboard that says, "Keep away unless you want to die of laughter". That bugger... Lucky he said it in a jokin manner but, am I really that good at makin people laugh? I only realise that it's always due to either my blurness, accidental or my facial expression. Oh well, for as long as they can keep smilin andbe happy, I'll be happy too ^^ Alright Zanzan, I'm gonna take my meds now and head to bed. In the meantime, I shall resume back on my work on my story! This is goin to be excitin coz the War of the Void dimension is nearly~ Hehe~ Byebye~

2009-12-06T23:50:00.003+08:00

Currently listenin to "Tears" by X Japan. It's one of my favourite too. I hope you won't get sick of it Zanzan. Sorry if you do. Really, I am. My sis is now likin "Tears", "Forever Love" and "Longing... togireta melody". Everytime both of us listens to "Longing", Hide's image will appear in our minds and eventhough she is new to X Japan, havin someone important missin in anyone's life like Hide for X Japan, it hurts her. Even till now. She really likes it when I sing though I don't know why. I did ask before and her only reply is that there's a certain feel that I manage to deliver out when I sing though I find that rather... weird of her. Serious.

Wednesday will be the day I'm goin for another checkup. Haish... troublesome... I'm kind of scared of what will the result be after the checkup. It's either it will be a slightly bad state or it didn't grow at all yet. Either way, it's still bad because it's due to this headpain that my fever refuses to leave. Talk bout that, my cough is gettin rather irritatin now. Just now, my whole relatives came over for a while and the first thing that my grandmother ask me was, "Have you healed? How about going to the doctor?"

My mum helped me answer but sayin no to everythin which is true. They are extremely worried bout my chest pain that came about last week but I'm fine now but they keep emphasisin the fact that it may be ok now but if it does return, it's not goin to be pretty and may be a little too late for easy treatment. Hehe... If they are alreadie this worried over somethin that I am not even sure of, imagine how worried they would be if they were to know about this thing that is growin inside my head? That is why I chose not to tell everyone. I know it's not to keep secrets like this especially the ones that endanger one's life but I can't bear to take away their smile...

Speakin of that, *psst psst* Zanzan. Do you notice a young lady that visits you from time to time? Hehe. I feel like I wanna talk to her. In a way like being friends with but er... I like don't know how to. A little scared too~ Hehe! Hey hey now Zanzan! Don't smack me! Please!

She seems like a nice person to me. But at the same time, she seems like a lonely person too. I feel like I want keep her company. Bringin out her smile too but I think she would mind that. Ah gomen gomen! I'm kinda that sort of person. I can't see anyone whom I know being sad or down. It make feel like I have to do somethin to make him or her smile again. ACK?! I just hope I'm not being irritatin to anyone... Gomen Gomen!! Really sorry uh lady!

Hehe.. I guess that's it for today. I really hope to get to know her more but... hehe... I rather not disturb her or else she might get angry or somethin. BYEBYE Zanzan~!

2009-12-04T22:42:00.002+08:00

Hehe!! Yosh! Remember that I told you that I'll post some photos of the cats that I've taken? Here they are! I'm only postin 3 pics and they are my favourites.Fierce lookin kitty. Gomen gomen! Next time must remember to ask from the cat for permission.

Look at her eyes, their beautiful aren't they?

Cat of the round table. One of my favourite shots.

Below are the shots taken today. It's a celebration after our success in survivin the 3 months of the project term and look! My CA treated us some more! I couldn't take her enough! I kept bowin n thankin her until she got scared n hav to go near me to tell it's ok. In the end, she finds a rather, way to kind of person. Even the smallest request I'll try my best to fulfill them.

Check out the amount?! I didn't have the heart to eat them so I only ate one piece due to a few who forced me too and to stop me from takin photos for a short while.

Almost the whole class. I wish that everyone could have made it today for it will a memoriable photo. Chin Kiat n Faz, you guys a missin out man! Next term, I'll promise this to myself, I'm goin to take a photo a the complete class...

2009-12-03T20:42:00.002+08:00

Yosh!! Hehehe!! Zanzan!! My project is finally over! YEA!! *Jumps around* Hehe!! Me, Chin Kiat, Fad and Es are currently feelin so happy and relieve that the project is over and we don't have to worry bout the time and rush here and there to assemble stuff and I don't have to breathe in any more harmful substance in the workshop anymore! Hehe... the harmful part you can say it's partly my fault coz at times, burned parts produces this poisonous smell like for example, when you are usin a solderin iron with the solder. When the solderin iron melts the solder into liquid like form to stick it with a wire or small metal ends and hardens, it produces a not so dangerous smell but still quite harmful.

One of my classmate literally pushed me away from the solderin iron after noticin that I hav been near it for a long time while he was workin on it. He didn't even tell me it was poisonous!? Hehe! But I thanked him for that. Now we are left with cleanin up the class and we are done with everythin else. Now I can focus back on my daily things ^^v

Been takin photos for this few days of my classamates and the class environment. Some of the photos are up on Facebook. But what inspired me to take more photos was this particular documentary video that my CA show to the whole class. One object can bring many different meanings. Like for example, a dandilion field had turned to a field filled with puff-balls. Nothin much interestin there right? Try this. focus on one batch of the field, take a photo of it. Zoom in or get closer to it and snap another shot. Now, focus on one puff-ball and take another photo. Notice that they all different in a way? Still not happy, believe that that puff-ball can be your best shot of the day. Try a different angle for example of a close up kind. The one shown in the video was a shot taken by aligning together the puff-ball with the sun from a bottom view shot upwards. So you can see this magnificient view of the puff-ball with a sunny glow~ Really beautiful~

I've tried it on a few of my shots on a few amazing cats. Well, I was walking back home and I saw a few cats along the way. I had this feeling that there is somethin bout them that's worth a wonderful shot and I believed in it so i took several shots of the same cat before takin the other cats and I must say, the more I take, the more I excited I became! I managed to get a few great photos too! Hehe!! Thanked the great cats for their patience by bowin to them and verbally sayin thanks. It's great that they don't mind ^^ I'll post them when I hav the time or you can go to my profile on Facebook. Here's my add, http://www.facebook.com/chaotix45?ref=profile

Movin on to my health, I'm feelin better now. No more chest pains, no fever, no sorethroats and a little coughin that can be quite irritatin and painful for my throat at times. My aunt did phone to ask whether does my cough hurts but I avoided it my tellin my mum to inform my aunt not to worry as I'm already recoverin now. I know if I were to say that it hurts at times, they goin to worry and tell me to go check up on it which I don't prefer because I do not want to worry anyone for the time being. If it's bout my head... well... the pain is now much more stronger and the duration it last is longer too. Kai told me to hang in there and stay strong and well, I'm tryin but it's tough. Oh, it's not bout the pain part that Kai told me to stay strong with. It's somethin else. But please please please, don't worry bout me for the time being alright everyone? I'm alright! The pain did came for a short while today so there's nothin to worry bout. 5 years huh... I guess I've might have shorten that time a little.

Hehe. No worries ^^v I'll be alright. Byebye! See ya next time Zanzan!

2009-12-01T01:29:00.003+08:00

Hearing this song, "Longing... togireta melody", by X Japan really suits the mood right now. Don't worry, it's a sad love song. I'm really worried over somethin that is happenin to me. Puttin aside my stupid feelings, I am physically gettin worst now and you can blame it on me for it. Recently, I had fever and it kinda caused my muscles to ache a little but the worst part was when I was feelings this extreme pain on my chest area and I had to breathe like a fish. I'm not sure whether was it asthma but it seriously hurts alot. The feeling was like having something grabbing my lungs from inside and squeezing it tightly. If it was asthma, it wouldn't hurt at all. Just extreme difficulty in breathing but this is worst. The pain hasn't completely gone now because I can still feel the pain on my right side area but it's not that painful anymore.

Honestly speaking, I am really scared, Zanzan.... I afraid... Afraid of what is going to happen next... Will it get any worst than this? I'm not sure myself. If it is going to be much worst than this, I will accept it but please, give it to me slowly. A lot of people have been asking me to go see a doctor yesterday but I refused to saying that I am alright but in actual fact, I don't want to hear anymore bad news and also I want to make sure that it is not a false alarm. I now it's total dumb to be thinking this way but that is what I choose to do for the time being. I don't want to waste anyone's time by going for a checkup and the doctor can't find anything that is wrong with me or it's just a normal cramp. Honestly speaking, I don't find the need to for the time being.

I am truely sorry to those who really care for me. It is not that I do not care about you guys and girls. In fact, I really care and love all of you a lot. I really do... I'm still waiting for the reason for me to go forth with the opt but I can't seem to find it. I have considered everyone's feelings and thoughts and thus I promise you guys that while I am searching for the answer, I shall be there for you people and be normal. Making you guys smile is my favourite of all. I am sorry if this is saddens anyone of you but... like someone once told me, "You have lost sight of the meaning of your life Naz. I know what you desire the most and losing that, means, losing the meaning to carry on living". I will not elaborate much yet but this is what I can summarise for the time being. I do not like it when I harbour any form of feelings of love torwards anyone that will take a form of relationship wise. You gave me the true meaning of my life when I was once with you. I loved you ever so dearly, with my whole heart and soul. You are my meaning in life. To be with you is the most wonderful moments of my life. But when you were gone, when we went on separate ways, even when we still in contact, my hve lost the meaning of living...

I was depressed and sad for many months. Even till now, I have not recovered from the wound. Maybe it was my fault to begin with, to have loved you so much. So much more than how I love everyone else, including God... But being the normal Naz, I stayed strong. I am better now but I am still sad. Now, to make things slightly worst, I have feelings for another person too. One thing that I hate about my heart is that once I have fallen for someone, I really wish to be together with that person. But I know clearly, and certain that I will not be able to be with either of them... My heart is hurting me with each passing moment but what can I do to ease it? It is so stubborn... It doesn't want to give in... and thus, I've decided that if I can't find the reason, I shall take this opportunity to shut my heart and myself, permanently... As for the rest, don't be sad alright? Smile for me please? I've promised you all that I will be there for you guys right? Be strong. We will all be gone sooner or later. Hehe... it's a good thing that I can still laugh at this moment but... deep inside... I know that I am not happy... Oh, and for the two angels that I fallen for, please, don't let this affect your life alright? Everyone, please carry on and pursue what is important in your life. Funny isn't it? Even after saying all this, I still hope to be with either of them......forgive me... like I said once before, I shall accept this illness of mine as a form of punishment for my heart...

Gomenasai.... and... Thank you for everything.

2009-11-27T01:54:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the long absence~ Hehehe.. I was busy with my school project and gamin too. Been playin this first-person shooter called Borderlands with Lalah and Yat. A nice game to play with your friends but not really that great to play alone coz in later part of the game, things will get tougher ^^ Now I'm waitin for Hamster to join in the fun too. But need him to be free from his studies first. Hehe.. Well, I can't really say much coz my head kinda hurts a little for the time being. Will be seein you around.

2009-11-16T02:42:00.002+08:00

Yosh Zanzan... I guess you can hear it almost the same song over and over again for this whole entire day huh? Hehe... I guess... the song, "Longing....togireta melody" by X Japan suits me right now in this moment... "Sing without you"... hehehe... I guess this song kinda suits me in many ways. Gosh, for how long has it been since I last been this.. sad... Ahaha... I feel like I just lost somethin very close to my heart... When I'm gone, I want this song to be played during my death ceremony. Hehe.. But I bet people will call me dumb for doing this and I don't think anyone will tear for me though. God... why am I thinkin this way...

*Sigh*... I am finally able to tell Kelvin. Now I am left with tellin Hamster and Cr but this will take alot of courage for me to do so... Somethin so small can at times be so difficult to say. Day and night, everyday without fail, I try to look for a reason to continue on living but it just seems not enough to me... At times when I look back into the past, what I realise is that even though I am a joker who loves to bring a smile to everyone that I meet and help those in need, I am not really able to smile properly. Weird isn't it? A joker who smiles often but not really sincere... Is that considered as lyin also?

It's so hard to keep up being strong and all that. I'm becomin tired of pretendin that I am alright for all this few months... I am not ok with the breakup... I am not recovin at all like what everybody said to me... I can't seem to let go... why? why? Tell me why zanzan!? Why is it so difficult for me whereas it's so easy for the other party to move on?! Why... this...I won't cry! I promise! I won't! I'm not cryin.. it's just probably the dust that's irritatin my eye right now... I long and yearn for her but it just seem so impossible...why can't I let go... it's been months now and I thought I'll be able to but... please... ease my pain...

First, it was my heart that aches and pains due to immense sadness within me and now this stupid condition that I have that aches my brain for time to time at random... Is this your way of easing my pain? If it is, 5 years seems too long for this little idiot... shall I make it quicker? Why am I ignorin the pleas of my closes friends that I consider as my family, my brothers... Why am I so selfish to my heart and mind... why am I so stubborn?! Why... WHY?!! I want to let it all out but it will just come back to me the next moment I am alright again... I never pretend to joke or make someone smile... I am honest and sincere with that for I love to bring happiness to people but, why is it so hard for me to realise my own joy? Am I too dependent? I want to live but I am afraid of what lies in the future... It scares me. It's dark and empty. Just like an empty void dimension...

Ahahaha... what am I sayin... eh, gomen gomen. Times are hard for me currently. Especially when you have to many things in your mind... Oh, I guess it's high time I tell you what my condition really is huh? Alright alright... I'm havin a brain tumour... Don't be too upset Zanzan... Smile for me can? I'll be alright. Don't worry. Gosh... I can't even type properly now. My hands are shiverin... Am I afraid? Ahahaha... Well... I guess I am a little. I guess I should apologise to Kai for not tellin him the whole story. I am left with informin Hamster and Cr bout this... hehe..can I remove it? Well... from what the doctor said, it is possible if I go for it soon but, I need some time to think bout it... why? It's hard for me to say. YOu can call me stupid for sayin this but I am afraid of what lies ahead of me in the near future Zanzan... I don't want to continue a life of what seem to be an eternal sadness and grief...

But don't worry, I'm still considerin it. Yat, lalah, Kel, Kai, Wani, CK, Es, Nisha, Crystal and many others are here watin for me... to them, I am important to them too... thanks guys. I grateful for everythin but... I am not yet that happy with all this things thats goin on. It all came as a shock to me. Everythin happened damn way too fast for me to grasp... Now, I'm left with informin Hamster and Cr... dependin on how Hamster reacts to it, I think he will be ok with it but a little shock here and there but Cr... I don't think I can take it if she tears. Whatsmore, she's currently havin her own love life now. I don't think an idiot like me would even bother her at all so I guess I'll just keep quiet for now.... If any of you guys readin this, please, don't let this afect you guys so much. Focus on your studies, life and family more alright? I'll be fine. With you guys around, I should be ok. Just that I am no longer physically strong like how I use to be. Hehe..And to you Kai, resume on your studies alright? Persue on what you dream of. Don't worry bout me, like I once said before, "Idiots are one of the toughest creature on Earth. Falls of from a high height and never die (in cartoons) and no matter how many times they get bullied, they'll always come back ^^". Hehehehe...

There there... such emotional atmosphere man. Maybe I shud try to be more cheerful in my next post? Hehe.. who am I kiddin huh? Alright! Time for me to get some sleep or else someone will kill me if I don't sleep now. It' 3.59AM now~ Goodnight Zanzan~ Remember, don't worry too much uh~ Be happy and smile for me..

2009-11-10T22:44:00.002+08:00

Gah... I'm damn pissed rite now... since mornin till now I have tried to contact some people but none seem to be bothered... some never reply, some busy while some totally go MIA. What's this man.... I guess noone can be like me huh? Always there for everyone no matter what happen. Hehe... I feel like day by day, my stress level keeps on increasin like mad.... From class to life to health and back to school, life n health.... What the hell man... give me a damn freakin break please... I feel so alone right now. I need someone to talk to but none can... don't believe, go check my msn, the whole list is literally in Busy status n some totally won't reply me one. Don't know what the hell they are doin back there....

Music seems to be the only thing that I can turn to to cool myself off but even that can irritate people coz I have to sing my heart to let this emotions out... And seriously, I can be damn loud plus my voice sucks... I can't sing but I can speak. It seems my voice is only meant to calm people down or ease them. Hehehe... *sigh*... I've bothered you long enuf Zanzan. I'll chao first before I start babblin again.

2009-11-09T23:39:00.003+08:00

Day by day I seem to grow weaker physically. I think it's just me for being away from training for a very long or perhaps it's due to my condition? But, no matter what the cause is, it really starting to annoy me cause I can't perform well in school and daily work and that worries some people already like Es and Kai. Haish... Am I a burden? Hehe!! Sorry sorry. Didn't mean to ask such a thing to you. Gomen gomen!!

I wonder how long more can I tahan man.... it pains like hell... I feel like the medication isn't really helpin but... hehee... for that part you can scold me la huh coz I purposely skip them from time to time coz of school and all. I don't want the rest of my classmates to see or know bout my health so yea but don't worry, I'll inform my old pals when the time is rite or maybe perhaps you can help me to tell them? Hehehe... Just kiddin. Well, I'll stop here for now. Just drop by to tell you of my painful headache and, I seriously hungry again.... Gah... Goodnight! Ah damn.... I got some aroma spray particles in my eyes. Hehehe!! Damn fan... Good night!

2009-11-08T03:27:00.002+08:00

Can't seem to sleep right now.... I've been thinkin bout all sort of things lately... *sigh* Guess that's what drives me not to sleep. My sis on the other hand isn't sleepin yet coz she's chattin with her Sister. Currently my head doesn't hurt coz I just took my medication... geez, for how long must I be dependant on this thing... and it taste seriously bitter... *sticks out tongue* That's why I skip a few times a week. Hehe... guess if someone knew bout this I might be scolded. Oh well! Hehe... I think later on in the mornin I'll go see a doctor again as what my mum instruct but I should be back home by 11++AM. I wonder if anyone is free to meet up with me later on too.... Let me guess, hmm... I don't really know. I'm thinkin of someone... I want to meet up with them but... I'm afraid that the pain may just appear again at the wrong time then I'll worry them. gah... So confusin. Eh... I think I'll stop here Zanzan. Feel like throwin up again... sorry. Take care n goodnight~

2009-11-08T00:25:00.002+08:00

Yosh!! Finally, all my stuffs has been moved here, to my new house but we still have not completely clear up the boxes. There's just too many to clear in one go. Hehe... Early in the mornin my mum disturbed me alreadie. This was what she said in the mornin when I was gettin readie to leave my house to go to my aunt's house at West Coast.

"You know, I bump onto our neighbour, the one near the staircase there. She's very polite and friendly. And she seems to be your dear brother's type. Almost same age too. Guess soon we will a new family member already." That's what my mum "whispered" to my sis in a loud voice in the kitchen. Hehehe... mum mum... seriously, she has nothin better to do sia. Disturbin is one of her home hobbies. I nearly fainted at home due to exhaustion. Hehehe.. Can say overwork la huh.

I was helpin my Uncles and Dad carryin things from one house to lorry and the next house and back to the lorry and finally to my house but when I was carryin the remainin half back to my home, I realise that I can't carry anymore and I really need a rest but seein how hard my Dad and Uncles carried the remainin boxes and furnitures, I decided to ignore my fatigue and ease their work load. With like 15 more items to go, I sat flat on the floor at my home to rest for a while and my mum realise how exhausted I was so she kept me away from helpin them. I didn't really like the idea of havin my mum, sis and my aunt to help carry the heavy stuffs so I just got back up with my sister's help and continued on while my mum blocked the gate for a short while and moved away after seein my determined expression.

The heaviest object that I carried alone was around 70+kg. It's my home washing machine and now, my back hurts like hell. Not to mention my brain...after the whole moving thingy, I txted a few people tellin them that I am done wif the work and plannin to rest for a while but the actual truth was that I passed out in my sis room, on the floor. I didn't faint for that long. Only for like, less than an hour or so? Hehe... Don't worry, I'm a very persistant person who likes to help. My mum spoke to my Dad a while ago, tellin him that she notice that I am no longer as capable as I once was. I get tired easily and that I kept on havin frequent headaches. I guess my mum will know the whole story soon.... I just hope she will be ok once she finds it out from me or my Dad but we both are not plannin to tell her just yet coz I told my Dad that I want everyone to be happy and comfortable with this house first.

Once they are comfortable then I'll inform my mum and sis of my real condition. The other reason why I don't wanna say it to anyone just yet is because I feel that I will be a burden to them after they came to know it. Hehe... I'll keep on goin for appointments without my mum knowing it first. Right now, the most important thing to me is to make everyone that I know happy and smile from the bottom of their heart but.... it's difficlut for me to keep up with that promise coz I am no longer that strong plus at times, I give them those looks that makes them notice that I am not feeling well. I just hope I'll be alright on the day that the old group is goin to celebrate our birthdays together and I hope that everyone will be able to make it coz it's a once a year thing and like what Lalah said, "for those that can't make it for any invalid reasons, that just shows just how much that person really feels for us."

Talk bout birthdays... like what I once mentioned to Kai, I wish that my birthday will just not come coz I'm afraid of it.... to me, it's like... one year less for me or one year as been strike off... Hehe... Gomen gomen!!! Sorry if I am scarin u Zanzan. I didn't mean to scare u. I'll stop here for now.

2009-11-05T19:08:00.002+08:00

HHHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZZZZAAAAANNNNZZZZZAAAAANNNN!!!! I'm finally back online again and this time it will be permanent too!! Good rite? Hehehehehe.... Gosh.... There's quite a number that I wanna tell you but I doubt that I am able to say i all ^^. So I shall start with the positive ones first! Hehe... now, where shall I begin first? Let's see... I'm now officially living in my new house. It's comfortable and cozy too. I'm waitin for Saturday to come so that this house will be filled with my old furnitures so it will look complete ^^v

Hehe.. next, I get this feeling that my house will soon become like a hightech home. Well, my dad seems to want to make everythin that has to do with computer stuff to go wireless. Cool huh? But there are a few disadvantages here and there but he knows bout it so I do hope he will have some solutions to that. Hmm.. what's next...? Ah! By the end of this month or the next, I will have a new gamin console joinin my family ^^v hehe.. And that person is a PS3. Once I receive it, I'll inform you bout it alrite? Hehe!!!

Once Saturday comes, I'll be able to go online like usually. For the time being, I'm usin my dad's CPU so yea, I don't really prefer usin other people's items. Eh? Suddenly like got nothin more that is of a good news to say. Hmm... I'll try to remember them and tell you again when I remember it coz this little cheepy here is distractin me a little. Oh btw, I MISS YOU ALL GUYS!!!!!!!!! HEHEHEHE!! SO DOES THIS LITTLE CHEEP CHEEP TOO!!!

I feel... proud and happy that I know that I am helpin others around me all this while. Do u hav dreams Zanzan? What is ur dream? Me? Hehe.. I don't wanna say it. It's totally embarassin and stupid too. Hehe.. Nono. It has nothin to do with future occupation. *Peace* Though my dream is somethin like what Director Lazard once said to Zack in FFVII CC. "Unattainable dreams are the best kind". Hehe....for bad news wise... I truely have one only but.... I don't really wish tell you just yet coz... I don't want u be upset, angry, happy or laugh at me. I've told 4 people bout it and everyone seems to be affected by it negatively... Eswaran was upset with me coz I spoke too lightly of it like it doesn't mean a thing to anyone that is dear to me. Crystal is like in a state of shock that kind rite now and she's buggin me everytime she's free just to tell me to be extra careful and to take care of myself more. Kai now seems to be a little depress over what I said and now I feel bad for tellin him in the first place and lastly, Wani. I did not intend on telling her anythin but then she notice a sudden weird behaviour of mine whenever I'm outside and that is keep on touchin my forehead once in a while with a "cramp" face.

I didn't tell her directly. She was the one that guessed it and I told he the truth the moment she was close to the answer. But te thing that makes not wantin to tell u just yet is that I made someone cried due to that news.... Don't worry, when the time comes, I'll inform you. Really, though I only have like... 3 years before things gets worst.... It's bout my health actually. I'll stop until here coz of my own selfish reasons. I don't want to hinder anyone's life for the time being coz everyone is busy so once they are free or somethin then I'll inform them but... It's very difficult for me to tell it to my brothers... if it is to that person... it's more like impossible to me....

Well!! Enough with the unfinished, depressin little matter. at least now I'm able to go online again and connect with those I'm close with once again. Once tomorrow comes, stress will take over me again in school (only in school) and it's another day of torment for me too coz of the headache that I have to go thru each day. It's more like a headpain rather than a headache. I cout myself lucky if there's a day that the hadpain does not come. Hehe... though that hardly happens. Ookok... I'll stop here for now. See ya!