Sunday, March 22, 2009

Lookin at the time right now and it's 6.18am already and yet I'm not even sleepy. Not to mention that I have not even yawn at all. Want to say that I have slept in the afternoon is impossible because I was awake and playin game at that point. Talk bout games, I've been playin games from 12 until now and from Left 4 Dead to MapleSea to Silent Hill to Devil May Cry to Left 4 Dead again and lastly MapleSea once again. I just can't sleep yet. I know that this ain't good for my health but hey, I really can't sleep so I am not to be blame.



I have to be frank with you. Actually somethin has been botherin me. It is quite recent or more accurate, it's an event that happen just yesterday at 11.02pm. Two days back, I was given a choice to go to my uncle's house and have a sleep over or stay home and go to his house on Sunday, which is today. But I chose to stay home for I wanted to spend time with my love of my heart and it's a request too that I stay home. So I did. Everythin went fine in the mornin. Includin in the afternoon. Even evenin came...the worst was comin. I went out with a brother of mine, Kel, to accompany him for dinner. So I did but we met later than the actual time.



We were suppose to meet at 8+ but we ended meetin at the later part of 8+. I was ok with it. We both proceed to the MRT station to top up my EZ-link card (gosh...my face changed a bit from the card compared to me) and after that, we waited for 105. Board and arrive at Jurong East at around 9.15pm. Then we walked towards to IMM and went to Burger King. We ate and chat till when I look at my watch.... it's already 10.52pm. Before that, I actually made a promise to my...(I don't even hav the heart to call her that now...it just makes me cry even when I try to hold back)...baby...that I will be back by 11pm. I could hav told her that I would be late home but NO. The forgetful side of me kicked in, causin me to forget bout the time taken for me to travel and leisure.



The moment I saw the time, I quickly reminded Kel bout my curfew but he reassures me that everythin will be ok and that she would understand. I tried to rush him out of the shoppin complex but he got stuck to this arcade game. A puzzle genre. In my mind I was like, "Ack!! Kel! What the hell are you doin!? I'm already late and you can hav the time to play arcade?! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!! I'm dead! I'm dead!!"



So I approach him and tell that the time was already 10.58pm and all he could say is, "So how? What now?" In my mind, "couldn't you say anythin better or comfortin?! I'm already dead meat and all you could say is HOW and WHAT NOW?! What the hell is this man!!"



I told him that it will be alright and if anythin happens...I'll just take the blame. But hey! Who knows in the end the result was so severe that I couldn't sleep and havin a slight fever right now (Weird? I know). When the clock strikes 11.02pm, ( I even checked my handphone for the time to double check) my Handphone rang. The sweet melody from the song "Honey" by KARA was played and heard by me (and probably be a song of doom for me at that point of time) whereas for Kel... he is lost in his own world. I turned to him and said, "Hey Kel, she's callin me. I hope nothin really bad happens. We aren't late on purpose also." And all he could say was, "Uh... ok ok. Relax ok Naz?"



I picked up the phone with fear chokin on my throat for I thought I knew what was comin. The call was from her. The first question that she ask was, "where are you now?" I replied, "Err...(crap...what should I say? The truth or a lie? But I chose to tell the truth) well... I (stammerin from here on) I... er... at IM... I.. IMM."



From there onwards, her tone changed... "You know what time is it NOW? You still at IMM? How many times much you repeat the same mistakes?!" Those are some of the sentences that I could bear to remember. Now, not only fear was the once the choked me. Guilt and despair have block my windpipe. I was chokin on my own words. I knew that what I'm goin to say makes no difference be it reasons, jokes, laughs, panic, cuteness. None of this will help and most of it will only result in me to regret and die an idiotic death. Due to my absence of voice for a long while, she hang up on me. I approach Kel with a face that any Human can gues that I was hidin somethin.



He asked, "so what happen?" I replied, " well... she hang up. She's too frustrated and angry at me and sayin that I kept on makin mistakes." "Oh. Don't think so much la. Everythin will be ok one later. Just let her cool down first and things will be ok once again."



Deep inside, only I know what will happen. Not entirely but I know that somethin worst is comin. When we just stepped onto the Jurong East interchange, my phone rang again but this time...(I'll come back later. This tears are flowin like rain in a gloomy day) (I'm back now-time away:6 mins) it was an sms. I knew from who it will be so I pass to Kel to read it before and tell me from whom it was. My guess was correct. But he didn't read the whole thing just yet. From his tone I knew somethin was amiss. I look at the message and read it careful and more slowly as I read it over and over again for, perhaps...7 times. I just couldn't believe what I just saw. Neither could Kel. Finally he said somethin worth hearin, "she serious ah? I feel very bad leh. Naz..."



He hold his words while lookin at my facial expression, an expression that he had never seen before. I almost dropped my phone to the concrete floor. I can't bear to look at the message right now so I'll give you a brief description of what I can remember. She said that I hav put her through rough times. Always making the same mistakes. Making her happy one moment and hurtin her in the other. So because of that, she said that it's really high time for us to part. I thought she was still decidin on it, thinking. But I was askin too much. Later on when I arrived home. I replied her to explain myself. In hopes of not to seek forgiveness but to tell her bout my part and partly to try to make her understand. Even while I was typin a few sms to her, I had this temptation to type her name, the usual name that I address her but I left a "()" to replace that instead because I was afraid I might offend her and I told her bout it but....(I need another time out please be patient while I dry my face) she just smack me right on my face by....(I really hav to hold it back...they comin down like tap water...I'll just continue) sayin that might as well I adress her by her name since we already broke up.

At that time, I turned stupid. I forgotten how to breathe, how to speak, how to react. When I came to my senses however, I just broke down. Like a machine that was thrown into a a shockwave of electricty with voltage of 100 000V. Short-circuited and then explode. I teared in silent. I didn't what else to do or say. The perfect world that God has made for me with and angel to care for has now...crumbled. It seems that God loves He's angel more and He sees that I don't fit to be in this perfect world that He had created. But why! WHY!? I did good deeds too!! I did much more good than bad! I do good deeds more often than hurtin her!! I bring her laughter, smiles, joy, love, care, concern, respect, understandin and company! Isn't this enough to make His angel happy? I did not do much wrong... I did hurt her but that is not often... I am a Human! An ordinary person... I didn't... I didn't do much evil to deserve this...

WHY!! WHY!! WHY??!!! It is too much if this is a test that God has given me...you know how much she means to me! I'm not angry. I'm just upset! It's overflowing...this sorrow...it's drownin me...I thought He would forgive me bout the previous time...but I guess it is a no... but thank you, God, for havin me to meet such a wonderful person in my life. For me to love, care, express and share. You given me an Angel but I seem to not able to accept it for the time being... or perhaps...never again...

I'll express the same to the person I'm in love with and I will not deny it. I want to thank you for those wonderful times we had together. Allowing me to love, care, cherish and respect you. I am sorry for the times that I have hurt you and put you difficult times. Honestly saying, I do want us to be together again but I cannot assure you that I will make mistakes. We all do make mistakes and we have to understand from time to time. We must not only see it as a fault alone. One must sees it on a different angle. The situation the person was in, is it on purpose or just that time doesn't permits it. But I will force you to understand or accept it all. If it is possible, I do my best not to make much mistakes. I'm sorry.

I really love you, little angel.
Your's sincerely,
Naz, baka pig

posted at 6:17 AM