Thursday, June 11, 2009

I don't know what's is going on with myself. One moment I'm doing fine while the next moment I'm so depressed. I'm not angry or anything so that I can say a good thing but feelings so down to the extend it effects my daily activities like eating and sleeping, that can really be troublesome. There is actually only two things that are really bothering me even to this very day. But I shall mention one of it only for various reasons... one of it is bout my house. Someone finally bought this house of mine that I've been living for more than 11 years now. So many fond memories remain in this very house. I can't bear to part ways with it. Thats not the only thing. The date that the person agreed to buy the house was on the 7th. A nice date huh? The day that I am most proud of to have met an angel and now I shall remember it as the day that I lost this house too... damn...

The other thing bout it is also the process of how things are going. I'm leaving in this house for another two months before I have to leave it entirely. I hate it. Knowing that I will be separated with my house but I am still living in this house until the day comes that I have to leave it. It just pains me further as it remains of an except same incident that had happened to me. Why I say it's painful? Just Imagine your 2nd last day living in this house. You are still together with it, looking, touching it, feeling the atmosphere of the house like nothing bad is going to happen. Just like any ordinary day would be but by morning, the house is no longer yours to stay in. It's like the house just forgets bout you that kind but I know that this house does not behave that way. I've got no other to turn to for me to pour out. Most of my brothers have their own schedule and life plus I do not want to disturb anyone with my pointless troubles. I... I... I just can't take it anymore... I growing weaker by the day... what is wrong with me! Where is the Naz that everyone knows so well... where is the strong me? I've lost myself somewhere temporarily... but I know that deep down inside, I am still me. How can be so certain? I still have feelings for others. The same feelings like how I was before I turned emo...

Even at times I wanted to express mysef to that person but I kept on holding back. Uncertain if what I will be doing will turn out good or will it just hurt others. I'm becoming a more straightforward and honest person in school because when my lecturers ask why at times I don't attend class (which is only twice), I just tell them that I am not in the right state of mind and I'm glad that they understood me, in a way. I just want to keep on pouring out to you but I don't want to affect anyone that maybe reading this either... I prefer talking to someone that kind. I've been holding back and keeping things to myself a lot and I get this feelings that because of my stupidity, I'm sufferring or behavin this way due to my own selfish behaviours. But I don't want to trouble anyone any more! But I need to let this out of my chest at times too... ironic isn't it? You see what I meant by I, myself, behaviour in a selfish manner? Not opening up to people or allowing your loved ones understand is an act that I consider selfish for myself. It does not apply to anyone at all. Gomen gomen... I'm sorry everyone... brothers... parents.. sis... I'm really sorry... I'm sorry, Chuanru. I'm really sorry...reallly sory... for those times that I troulbe you guys in anyway. I'm sorry...


I'll let this particular lyrics of a certain song take over while I clear my face of this tears that washes my cheeks and moists it and swells my eyes...


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Akatsuki Yami - MUCC

(English translation - Moonless Dawn)

I wanted to die and close my eyes
Return myself to nothingI wanted to erase my memories and sleep without thought
Cloudy skies and flickering rain

Like yesterday’s weather was a lie
The rain tried to beat it into me:
“Stop reflecting life’s misery”

The wind, if it blows for a moment
How will it change the view as I fall?

Even as I’m confined to this shell, I sink to the depths of the distant seas alone
There’s no point in pleading with my sorrow

I’ll be saved by your smiling face
Even though my heart is locked away in a cocoon, I venture deep into the darkened misty forest

The threads of grief an unraveling tangle
I attempt to withstand the moonless dawn and care for the warmth left in my hands
Someday I’ll float a sasabune** down a little streamCan I ever return to that place?

I murmured to the rain“
Things will be better tomorrow”


Romanji:

shinitakute me wo tojita
boku no subete mu ni kaeshi
kioku kara kietai to nemurezu kangaeteita

kumorizora ame chiratsuite
kinou no tenki, uso no you.
"ikiru kutsuu mo niteru na" to, ame ni utarete mita

kaze, hitotabi fukeba
utsurou keshiki dou korobu?

fukaku zekkai no soko e to shizumi hitori kara ni komoredo
urei wa muda to satosu sono egao ni sukuwareru

fukaku oboromori yami e to susumi kokoro mayu ni tozasedo
nageki no ito mure wo hodoki

akatsuki no yami tatazumite kono te ni nokorishi nukumori ni tou
itsuka seseragi ni sasabune ukabe
ano basho e kaeremasu ka?

ame ni, tsubuyaita
"ashita, tenki ni nare"


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Gerbera - MUCC

I'm someone who puts his deepest thoughts into poems
To just spit out everything without thinking
would make the music around in vain

The words don't come with a real image,
I'm free
Beautified and published
They're turning to lies quite easily

I'm waiting for the spring.
The red Gerbera,
Being in love,
Crickets

Soap bubbles bursting
into a thousand poems
I'm singing,
Letting my heart
Sound - for you

Call Out! Sing about
this deep love!
Let our life quake with your singing,
Enma cricket

I want to give the words of my heart to you,
Obsessively, now

This poem is bursting soap bubbles
Being carried by the breeze.
About anger as well love
and the words are not beautified.

Cry out! Sing about
this deep love!
I'm letting our life quake
with singing, this night, for you.



Romanji:

Omoi wa oku fukaku
Uta ni komeru mono
Muyamini hakidaseba
Tada no otoni kudaru

Kotobawa jisuzou wo
Motazu jiyuuna mono
Kazaritate kakagereba
Tayasuku uso ni kawaru

Haru wo matsu
Akai gaaberani
Koi wo shita
Koorogi

Shabon ni hajiketa
Ikusen no uta wo
Kokoro kakinarashi utau
Anata no tameni

Sakebeyo Utaeyo
Sono fukaki ai wo
Inochi furuwasete utau
Enma koorogiyo

Kuruoshii...shinzo-ono kotoba
Kimi ni ima okurou

Uta wa shabonni hajiketa
Kazega honkondeku
Iradachinimo nita aito
Kazaranu kotoba

Sakebeyo Utaeyo
Kono fukaki aiwo
Inochi furuwasete utau
Konya...kimi no tame ni

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Credits: (for lyrics)

http://artists.letssingit.com/mucc-lyrics-gerbera-english-translations-vhll2hj (Gerbera)
http://mizerable-grey.livejournal.com/10374.html (Akatsuki Yami)

posted at 12:22 AM