Monday, November 16, 2009

Yosh Zanzan... I guess you can hear it almost the same song over and over again for this whole entire day huh? Hehe... I guess... the song, "Longing....togireta melody" by X Japan suits me right now in this moment... "Sing without you"... hehehe... I guess this song kinda suits me in many ways. Gosh, for how long has it been since I last been this.. sad... Ahaha... I feel like I just lost somethin very close to my heart... When I'm gone, I want this song to be played during my death ceremony. Hehe.. But I bet people will call me dumb for doing this and I don't think anyone will tear for me though. God... why am I thinkin this way...


*Sigh*... I am finally able to tell Kelvin. Now I am left with tellin Hamster and Cr but this will take alot of courage for me to do so... Somethin so small can at times be so difficult to say. Day and night, everyday without fail, I try to look for a reason to continue on living but it just seems not enough to me... At times when I look back into the past, what I realise is that even though I am a joker who loves to bring a smile to everyone that I meet and help those in need, I am not really able to smile properly. Weird isn't it? A joker who smiles often but not really sincere... Is that considered as lyin also?


It's so hard to keep up being strong and all that. I'm becomin tired of pretendin that I am alright for all this few months... I am not ok with the breakup... I am not recovin at all like what everybody said to me... I can't seem to let go... why? why? Tell me why zanzan!? Why is it so difficult for me whereas it's so easy for the other party to move on?! Why... this...I won't cry! I promise! I won't! I'm not cryin.. it's just probably the dust that's irritatin my eye right now... I long and yearn for her but it just seem so impossible...why can't I let go... it's been months now and I thought I'll be able to but... please... ease my pain...


First, it was my heart that aches and pains due to immense sadness within me and now this stupid condition that I have that aches my brain for time to time at random... Is this your way of easing my pain? If it is, 5 years seems too long for this little idiot... shall I make it quicker? Why am I ignorin the pleas of my closes friends that I consider as my family, my brothers... Why am I so selfish to my heart and mind... why am I so stubborn?! Why... WHY?!! I want to let it all out but it will just come back to me the next moment I am alright again... I never pretend to joke or make someone smile... I am honest and sincere with that for I love to bring happiness to people but, why is it so hard for me to realise my own joy? Am I too dependent? I want to live but I am afraid of what lies in the future... It scares me. It's dark and empty. Just like an empty void dimension...


Ahahaha... what am I sayin... eh, gomen gomen. Times are hard for me currently. Especially when you have to many things in your mind... Oh, I guess it's high time I tell you what my condition really is huh? Alright alright... I'm havin a brain tumour... Don't be too upset Zanzan... Smile for me can? I'll be alright. Don't worry. Gosh... I can't even type properly now. My hands are shiverin... Am I afraid? Ahahaha... Well... I guess I am a little. I guess I should apologise to Kai for not tellin him the whole story. I am left with informin Hamster and Cr bout this... hehe..can I remove it? Well... from what the doctor said, it is possible if I go for it soon but, I need some time to think bout it... why? It's hard for me to say. YOu can call me stupid for sayin this but I am afraid of what lies ahead of me in the near future Zanzan... I don't want to continue a life of what seem to be an eternal sadness and grief...


But don't worry, I'm still considerin it. Yat, lalah, Kel, Kai, Wani, CK, Es, Nisha, Crystal and many others are here watin for me... to them, I am important to them too... thanks guys. I grateful for everythin but... I am not yet that happy with all this things thats goin on. It all came as a shock to me. Everythin happened damn way too fast for me to grasp... Now, I'm left with informin Hamster and Cr... dependin on how Hamster reacts to it, I think he will be ok with it but a little shock here and there but Cr... I don't think I can take it if she tears. Whatsmore, she's currently havin her own love life now. I don't think an idiot like me would even bother her at all so I guess I'll just keep quiet for now.... If any of you guys readin this, please, don't let this afect you guys so much. Focus on your studies, life and family more alright? I'll be fine. With you guys around, I should be ok. Just that I am no longer physically strong like how I use to be. Hehe..And to you Kai, resume on your studies alright? Persue on what you dream of. Don't worry bout me, like I once said before, "Idiots are one of the toughest creature on Earth. Falls of from a high height and never die (in cartoons) and no matter how many times they get bullied, they'll always come back ^^". Hehehehe...


There there... such emotional atmosphere man. Maybe I shud try to be more cheerful in my next post? Hehe.. who am I kiddin huh? Alright! Time for me to get some sleep or else someone will kill me if I don't sleep now. It' 3.59AM now~ Goodnight Zanzan~ Remember, don't worry too much uh~ Be happy and smile for me..

posted at 2:42 AM